What If I Said What I Was Thinking?

Aburrida en la clase de Journalism

2007-05-18T12:47:00.000-05:00

I have about 5 minutes to kill in Journalism, and I'm bored out of my mind. I finished all my stories early, included the center spread. That's a good thing. I have to write a letter of recomendation for my buddy to be a drum major. That's an exciting part of the weekend. I think I'll do that tonight after the show. I need a show buddy, so if anyone wants to see Damn Yankees with me, let me know by...tonight. It's quite important.

In other news: I gave blood today and *almost* passed out. It was pretty cool. People are a lot nicer to me on the days I give blood...except for Jaclyn, but that's okay. Hopefully I won't get in an accident again. *crossing fingers*

Te Amo!!

Dear You...

2007-05-14T06:41:00.000-05:00

Dear you,

...and now it's time to say what I forgot to say...

I'm sorry for all the hurt that I'm causing you. I'm sorry that I've let you fall into something that you dan't get out of (at the moment) and I'm sorry that I can't help you. I wish I could.

You're right when you say that we've gotten close, and you're also right that I will not change the situation from what it is because of my better instincts. I am loyal and I am loving. Would you not want that in me?

But don't you ever tell me that I am using you for when I am lonely and bored. Please, I beg of you, don't even TRY to concieve that possibility.

It's not true, nor is it fair.

I have worked hard at this friendship, this bond, not because I need it...but because I want it. I don't want to spend every day at school friendless. I'm sorry if friendship is too much to ask of you. Don't you ever again question my motives for our relationship. I'll give you one reason why:

If I didn't care about you at all, I wouldn't have taken the time to write this.

Bored...and all Beatled up...

2007-05-07T17:54:00.000-05:00

So I'm at Jason's and I've completely given up on my physics homework. I did 1.5 problems...I'll be okay...

So I think I found out the meaning of life: Getting through high school. Basically, if you can't do that...you're screwed for the rest of your life. Honestly, high school is easy, and as long as you push through the rough spots (that are usually full of drama)...you'll be fine. After high school comes college...or worse...your introduction into the real world. I don't know about you, but bills and taxes and mortgages freak me out. And then I think...what if I fail? What if I'm really not good enough at what I want to do, and no one has ever told me? Maybe Kay's just a liar and my friends just enjoy being supportive of a train wreck.

Who knows?

The world is a cruel, cruel place for letting humans be inquisitive...

Since People Like Lists

2007-03-27T11:12:00.000-05:00

I'm in a little moody mood, and I just have one thing to say:

I hate knowing that you loved me, and that there was nothing I could do about it.

And yes, I loved you too.

Teenage Angst

2007-02-17T21:03:00.000-06:00

TEENAGE ANGST! DO NOT READ IF YOU FEEL LIKE CRITICIZING MY PETTY THOUGHTS!

Have you ever just wanted to punch someone in the face? Good, because now I know you understand. I want to punch somebody too, anybody actually. I'm bummed, PMSy, and angsty. God I hope that's how you spell it, or I'm gonna look dumb and stupid tonight. The boys in this house are partying with their friends, my friends are partying, Jackie's friends are partying, and we're not. I feel like a bum. Actually, it's okay that I'm not at a party. I don't mind that much.

I don't, really...

Okay, I lied.

I miss my friends. I don't get to see them every day. That's why I figure that I'm sometimes forgotten. Not in this instance...but I'm sure that if I don't have a boyfriend that goes to East, I'll just become that OHS girl again. There are few whom I know of that will just invite me to hang out even if there's not a party around. Oh yah, I'm also kinda pissed because I know that, even if I try, I won't be able to have a party for my birthday. Partly because my birthday weekend is East's winter show...but most of my friends will be gone that weekend doing something or another anyway. Oh well.

I don't want things to be like last year.

I don't want to be cooped up at a house, alone. I hate it. I mean, granted, I am doing just that every other week when I go to my dad's. That's a given. But I miss him too much all of the time, so I figure it's coop-idge well spent. I like going out and being with my friends. I want to go to a club. I want to dance all night. I want to have fun. I want a friend to come downtown with me---Naperville. It would be fun.

I want to punch Paul right now. I think he's my victim. This whole room is shaking with his crappy music. Actually, it's not crappy, I kinda like it. It's just loud. Yah...yah I want to punch him. I won't though. He's over a foot taller than me, and doesn't like me. I don't like him either. Good for nothing bum...

That was mean. I take that back.

Oh, by the way. Don't rub things in my face. Don't be thoughtless and inconsiderate enough to call me and have a million conversations with people at the things I can't make it to. Way to be a jerk.

I want to call a person or two...If only I wasn't a wuss/chicken. Oh well. One day...

Well, I feel a bit better now. I think I'm going to still wallow in self-pity for a bit. Tomorrow will be a better day. Yup.

How do I get you alone?

2007-02-12T20:57:00.000-06:00

Today was a very hard and emotional day.

I hope it snows like mad tonight.

I don't want to go back to school tomorrow.

It hurts knowing that there are kids who will never make it to Senior prom or graduation. It hurts watching my best friend, my close friends, and my teachers cry.

It hurts to be strong for everyone.

It hurts being strong for myself.

I keep thinking of Carl's DI. If it was god's will...I don't think I want to believe in that god.

My deepest respects and sympathies go out to all of the families.

It will all be okay in the end, I promise.

Damn Regret

2007-02-06T20:46:00.000-06:00

Damn regret, I'll try to forget
Don't worry about me 'cause I'm refined
Cast my line to see what's behind
Did you think you'd persuade me to let you go?

That song has been stuck in my head lately. I blame Emily, but it doesn't really matter. I've been in an odd mood lately. I've been extremely emotional. I think it's a combination of PMS and V-day and my Birthday all in one month. As we all know, my birthday last year kinda...well...sucked...I just hope that I have a good 17. It doesn't need to be sweet...just good. I'm ready to put a year behind me and push towards a good future. I can't just sit back and wait...I have to do something about it...

I'm tired of ranting...I'm going to write a letter...

***

Dear Someone, Anyone, No one, and All of the Above,
Ever since I learned to not dwell in the past I wanted to teach. Unfortunatly, I wanted to teach laws and theories that cannot be learned in a classroom. It sounds strange, I know, but bear with me. I think it's become my goal in life to be able to teach anyone who will listen a little more about life, love, and themselves. I have no book. I have no plan. It makes no sense...it really doesn't, and I don't do it intentionally. It just happens. I guess that's what happens when I befriend people. It's...kind of a belief. I'm sorry that you were unintentionally a part of it...if that's something to be sorry for. I just...hope you learned a thing or two from me.
I hope you learned that you're not the only one with feelings. I can't ever say that enough. There are two sides to every story, every relationship, every everything. You can't go around playing with people like they were dolls, and just throw them away once they lose their glamour. You must ALWAYS treat people the way you wish to be treated, or else karma will kick your ass. It's a plain and simple truth.
I hope you learned that love is worth it. Bad experiences are supposed to help you strive for more good ones. Make sense? It doesn't even have to be love. In order to push yourself to genuinely care for another human being is a great feat. Take pride in that. Also, never EVER be afraid to speak your thoughts, wants, hopes, and dreams outloud. Sometimes it's hard, I know, but it's so worth it, trust me. Know that I am always here, if you ever need to talk to me.
Finally, I hope you learned how to love again. It hurts to let a good thing go, no matter if it was just beginning to blossom or way overdue. Pain goes hand in hand with love; it's better to know what you're getting into before you get into it. Whether I could love you or not, it doesn't matter. Just know that love is everything, even when you think it isn't anything. Love is life, and despite which way or how I mean it, I genuinely and completely love you...and that comes from the bottom of my heart.

Con Amor,
Kim

Let It Be

2007-01-11T15:38:00.000-06:00

It sucks to be my ex today. I'm sorry...it's just one of those moods.

***

You know, I've been told many times that I cannot do things. I'm not good enough. I couldn't possibly excel. I think this is where stubbornness has a positive value...

I was told that I would never be Juliet. Supposedly a lot of girls were going to try out for it, and I just wasn't good enough. I had a million to one chance, at least that's what he said. I accepted it, mainly because I'm a realist and I knew that there were people out there better than me. I knew, but that didn't stop me from trying. Looking back, could you have imagined if I didn't try?

Freshmen year I went to Lit Fest for a descriptive sketch that I didn't think meant much of anything. I was accompanied (wow that looks wrong....hmmm...) by two friends, and I knew that both of them had amazing talent when it came to writing fiction and poetry. I thought I was royally screwed, and I wouldn't get any kind of honor. Funny thing, I was the only one that got any kind of recognition. I learned never to doubt myself again.

My mother said that it's impossible for me to go to East. It would be a stupid move on my part, and she isn't paying for any of the extra gas. Here's the thing: It takes me 2 minutes longer to get to East than it does OHS. She doesn't understand that I need this move. It's not because a vast majority of my friends are there (even though they are)...it's because I want to pursue acting with a different director. I need to try and find more people to show my writings to. It's all about who you know, in the end. My father said to me, "If you want something that bad, go for it." I think I will.

***

So here's the difference between you and them, honey. You say to me, "No you can't" while they say, "Why the hell not?"

Don't EVER let someone tell you that you can't do something.

***
I saw a man pursuing the horizon;
Round and round they sped.
I was disturbed at this;
I accosted the man.
"It is futile," I said,
"You can never --"

"You lie," he cried,
And ran on.

--Stephen Crane

Here I Go Again...

2007-01-10T20:17:00.000-06:00

Well, writing saved Stephen King's life in a way...so I figure if I keep writing everything will always be okay.

I bowled a 140 and he bowled a 150.

It's on.

I have yet to watch Romeo and Juliet, Roman Holiday, Breakfast At Tiffany's (again), and Alias season 5. I got so many DVDs for Christmas. I'm thinking that I want to coax my father into help fund me for my prom dress this year. I really want to go to East's prom. I'm getting there no matter what...you'll see. I need a dress though...that's on my list of things to do.

I have a strange and crazy desire to be the Assistant Director in Leave the Gun, Take the Cannoli. I don't know why. I think it's been my desired part since...I saw it the first time. I don't know. I have a lot of thinking to do. Thank god I have about 6 months. The show is going to be great though...a lot of new comical additions.

I need Journalism. I need to edit some of the crap they put in there. Ahh! I need to write more. I need a portfolio of everything I've done. I need to toss it onto Pavilini's (sp?) desk and say, "scribble all over them so I can get them into this contest." I need to prove to myself that I'm good enough, again. Maybe that's why I was so frustrated yesterday. I realized that in this writer's workshop we don't actually WRITE anything. That drove me crazy.

I think I'm done for today. I'm going to go watch my soap [opera] and see if there are any good plotlines that I can bring up for tomorrow.

Tell Me Sweet Little Lies

2007-01-09T20:31:00.000-06:00

My Fears

-that I will never get into college
-that I really completely suck at writing and will fail as a journalist
-acting isn't really my thing and I just have a nice director
-when I get to East, no one will want me there
-that eating pasta with butter and salt will eventually kill me
-that I will never enjoy the new marinara sauce that I found...and will forever cling to the taste of butter and salt
-that the marina sauce will eventually spoil because I never have enough faith to try it
-that love isn't really all you need
-that I love too fast
-that I never stopped loving in the first place
-that love is God's greatest joke
-that saying "don't let me down" doesn't mean shit...I don't want to get let down again. I hate it.

And probably most importantly...
That you'll leave. I don't want you to go. It's so hard to take that over and over again. I know that it's the risk I take...falling over and over again. I accept that, but I can only hit my head on cement so many times.

Can you fall in love in a week?

...and all I want to hear is your voice...

Not Writing My History Paper

2006-12-09T14:45:00.000-06:00

I feel like writing, but not my history paper...so let's try typing out some of my good english writings...

***

Why I Didn't Write About La Caban~a

I was going to write about my work,
But my boss is a really big jerk,
He made me stay until 7:30,
And one of the waiters is very flirty,
I try to get high off the taco smell,
I'm so bored...and probably going to hell,
The cooks make fun of me because I'm white,
But I am, so I guess it's all right.
Wow, I totally ruined the point of this poem,
*Sigh* It doesn't matter, I just want to go home.

-On Fustration-

The walls of this room are closing in again.
I hate it.
I feel suffocated. Hated Unappreciated.
Insignificance is my name.

They get smaller by the second. I'm in a shrinking birdcage.
Rumors start.
Gossip spreads.
Tempers flare.
More and more dirty laundry gets tossed onto the pile.
If only they knew.

I'm told that I'm special.
Wanted. Needed. Cared for.
That's funny.
Why is it, then, that my reputation sinks with each passing day?
Why is it that, if I am in a crowded room, no matter if I am the first one looked at upon entering or the lonely one in the corner
I am not seen?

Am I not seen?
Am I that insignificant?

I don't know.

On Betrayal

I hate that feeling. The one at the pit of your stomach that lets you know when you're doing something wrong. It scratched and clawed at my stomach wall, longing to be freed to ruin my immoral plan. It wanted to scream to the world of my blackened name, of my dirty secret. The line between right and wrong, good and bad, black and white have all been blurred. It all seems gray. In my dismal fate I stand alone. There it is again, that damned nagging feeling. The sensation grows as I dial your number. It screeches and shouts as I feed you lie after lie. It watches with me as the innocent angel leaves my soul and is inevitably replaced with some malicious, evil-hearted devil, who refuses to listen to even the most basic of moral sense. The clock ticks, my stomach churns, and the lies cease. You believe it all. The clouds blacken upon my presence outside. Nothing sympathizes with my state. I don't expect it. I don't want it. I don't need it. He turns around and waits for me to catch up. I walk ever so slowly, the daunting task of a few paces and a million secrets to conceal weighing heavily on my mind. He grabs my outstretched hand, and in a sudden realization of what I've done an invisible dagger pierces my heart, while my once untainted soul laughs at its foolish girl's mistake.

***

That's all I have for now. Give me a call and I'll give you updates about my life.

Stream of Conscious

2006-10-27T23:33:00.000-05:00

11:26.

I bet Spencer a dollar that I could make it til midnight/til he called without falling asleep.

I'm almost asleep.

I keep trying to do things to keep me busy. I tried math homework. Numbers look funny. I mean seriously, think about it. 2, 5, 3. This is ridiculous. I bet a dollar on this. You know who's a nut job? Mr. Nevins. I have the most strange relationship with that teacher. I think he's the greatest man in the world one minute, and then 5 minutes later I hate him for making me read Thoreau. We had a paper fight in english today. Don't ask. I bowled like shit. My eyes hurt. Dammit.

I think I'm going to start typing with my eyes closed. It makes me feel better. God I'm so tired. I can't go to sleep. I have to prove him wrong. I tried caffiene. It's a joke. The yogurt was good though. I have no junk food. You know what's a joke? Me neither.

Wow...this was completely pointless...and only helped me stay awake for another 20 minutes. Way to go blogger!

2 Questions before I go:
1- Do I deserve that dollar?
2- What should I be for Halloween/Halloween parties???

How we started dating, again...

2006-10-26T21:53:00.000-05:00

How we started dating...again...

Alrighty, so I'm not big on blogging whole posts about my significant other/boyfriend...but this was just too funny to pass up. Dialogue has been added for more role play, cuz I know you all love to make up funny voices for me and whoever else I add in.

So I did some things that I thought were right at the time, and realized that they weren't, and I was happier before. Mainly I decided that I wanted my Spencer back. (Gee, I'm blunt...and possesive apparently. I'm also a whore, but that's a story for another day.) You see, I've never really asked a guy out before, much less begged and pleaded for one to forgive me...so I had no idea what to do. After watching (and crying at) East's Diviners...Nick (in a weird, strange way) gave me an idea. I decided to use one of his lines on Spencer, and hoped for a good reaction. I just had to wait for the right day (actually, I didn't. I'm just using this for a dramatic effect)

The day (today) came, and after a lot of thinking out loud, I took the plunge...kinda...

Me- Spencer, I have something to tell you.
Spencer- What?
Me- Nevermind.
Spencer- You have to tell me.

This goes on for a good 5-10 minutes. I'm too lazy to write it all out.

Me- Okay.
Spencer- Will you tell me? I'm not leaving until you do.
Me- Okay. *kiss* I love you. I want you. Let's go. *cute smile*
*5 seconds pass*
Spencer- Tell me.
Me- *Thinks* Dammit...I thought he would've understood. *Says* I told you all that I needed to say.
Spencer- What?!? That was it!?! I don't get it!!!
Me- *Thinks* Oh shit fuck shit. This cute romantic moment is so ruined. *Says* You'll get it. You'll be in full makeup and costume in the middle of the scene and you'll get it. You'll feel so stupid. (Notice how I'm trying to hint him into it. It's failing.)
Spencer- Come on Kim, just tell me what you really need to say.
Me- I told you! *Thinks* Slutfuck.
Spencer- Fine!! Whatever. I just don't get it. (Carrie says- cuz I'm a little retard)
Me- You will, I promise. Now go home. It'll all be okay. *Thinks* Dios Mios I fucked this up so bad.
Spencer starts to walk away...
Me- Hey.
Spencer- What?
Me- (Carrie says- Hugs not drugs.) Be safe, okay?
Spencer- Whatever.
(Carrie says- Safe sex guys!!!) (What have I taught my sister...dear god...)
Anyway.....
So he leaves in a fit of anger. Half of me was laughing because he didn't get it, the other half felt like an asshole for trying to be witty and cute all at the same time, and him totally not catching my drift. I call up Kevin to give him the heads-up on what I just did, and asked him to make Spencer squirm a bit before actually telling him what I meant by my crazy Nick line. (Dammit Nick, we should've thought about whether or not he would get the quote...dammit) Blah blah blah...I go to work and at about 6:30, my phone vibrates on my ass. I know who it is. (Carrie says- Your mom!!!) No, not my mom, but Spencer. DUN DUN DUN!!!

Me- Hey sweetie, how are you?
Spencer- YES!
At first I wondered what his outburst meant. It could've been a surge of passion, joy, uncontrolable pleasure...but then I realized...(Carrie says- He was with the dog, in the dark, dark corner!!!)

He caught my drift. AKA- He figured out what the hell I meant.

Me- Yah? That's good. Do you feel dumb.
Spencer- Uhh...yah...
Me- That's good. Now go do your play. I have to work.
Spencer- Okay. I love you.
Me- I love you too. Now break a leg, idiot.
Spencer- Shut up.
Me- You know you're never gonna live this down. I'm so blogging this.

So here we are. I'm back with the man I love, and I am happier that I have been for a long while. Go me! Well, I'm off too bed, but before I go I'd like to say that East's show, although depressing as hell, was quite possibly the best show I have seen ever. The chemistry was wonderful, and it really hit home. (I was depressed for 24 hours afterwards.) Great job guys. I love you all.

...And Desperate for Attention...

2006-10-10T19:12:00.000-05:00

Alrighty guys...I have a little descriptive sketch for you all to read. But wait...there's a disclaimer...

ATTENTION! PLEASE READ THIS BEFORE THE REST!

Disclaimer: This story/descriptive sketch is completely fictious. When it is after 10 PM, my mind tends to wander to unknown places. I tend to be a bit more emotional, and that's when I write the best. I also tend to take a small detail of my life and blow it way out of proportion, making it extremely crazy...yet passionate. I hope you all like what you read, but only read the lines written for there is nothing between them.

***

I don't know what to think anymore. My mind's messed up, and I've completely desregarded my morals. I swore to never do this again, but I did.

Maybe it was the way you first intrigued me when I met you. Age has never been a factor in my mind. I guess it wasn't in yours either. You joked, I laughed, and the inuendos never ceased. You made working so much more enjoyable.

Maybe it was the the simplicity of your kiss. You made it seem like just another one of your customs, but there was a hidden ambition when you leaned in. In less than one second I felt attraction, affection, want and desire. Despite my better judgement, I longed for that kiss again.

Maybe it was the way you held me in your office. Belle and Sebastian will never sing the same to me again. Maybe it was the way you moved me to stradle your lap. Maybe it was the way you slowly rocked me back and forth. Maybe it was how you slid your hands around my torso and up my shirt. Maybe it was the danger. The rush. The thought of how everything could go wrong in an instant. Maybe it was the smallest, yet most remarkable surge of passion as your lips met mine...

...maybe I'll never know...

Any and all comments/criticisms are greatly appreciated.

My Sister and Kevin

2006-09-06T21:55:00.000-05:00

Just something funny. Probably something for Liana to laugh at. I don't know. Spencer and I about died though.

Spencer, CC and I were watching Gilmore Girls today. Yes, my boyfriend likes Gilmore Girls. Leave him alone. Make fun of his hickey instead. We were talking about something or another and then...(More role playing YAY!)

Me- Isn't that a little feminine?
CC- No. Wearing girl pants and shirts is gay. Like Kevin. I'm sure he's like, "OH MY GOD!!! And we do our hair and nails like every day."

The three of us cried. It was hysterical. That woman should be a comedian. I'm sorry Kevin, we really don't hate you...you just bring it upon yourself.

CC- I really don't hate him that much, he's just really fun to make fun of.

And just for a little inside joke...

(CC is wearing green do-rag and acting 'black')
CC(with deep man voice)- I dropped the soap.

The Night Before

2006-08-30T21:34:00.000-05:00

Tonight is the night before life goes on...

Depressing, isn't it? The whole summer now gets washed away with endless homework assignments, tests, and papers. Oh joy. Then again...we get to start all over again next summer. Born again, right? (Winks at Kevin. Yah that's right Kevin, I winked at you. Don't get your knickers in a twist.)

This summer was the best summer in many summers. I love the friends I have now. I feel so accepted. It's such a shame that they all go to East (except Lindsey). It's actually quite sad. I have all the desire in the world to pick up Lindsey and hide out at OEHS until we die...or get caught. *Smiles to self* Oh well, I guess I'll find some mutual get-togethers that I can see them in. You guys quite honestly are the best group of friends I've ever had. Te amo.

Now for some fun.

The things I learned this summer:
-Never EVER have sex on a plane. You always die first.
-Everyone has a wenis!!!!
-Suck + Nibble + Neck = Hickey
-Not everyone likes you
-Not everyone's parents like you
-Sometimes it takes a perfectly good relationship, 2 flings, and an affair to find someone you really want to be with
-Saturday night's are free movie ticket nights (stupid Michael)
-The dress you like always cost $200
-Catcher and the Rye has no point
-It's not about having what you want; it's wanting what you've got.
-Listening to Kevin's music pays off when you watch Jeopardy
-Nothing is more perfect than feeling loved and wanted by many, many people.

That's about it.

So here it is, they don't have long...the night before life goes on...

Mi dia a trabajo....

2006-08-22T20:51:00.000-05:00

This is something Liana would like. Actually, I don't know why Liana would like it, I just know that it's a story that I would tell her.

I absolutely love my job. I love speaking another language for 3 hours. I feel important and intelligent. There's always some new story to tell every day, and I would tell you them all...but I figured that they would get boring after a while. Now this story spans a whole day, so bear with me...and yes, there's a lot of dialogue, so feel free to role play.

***

I needed to go to registration this morning, so I invited Kevin to go with me. I got my picture taken and all that jazz, and we decided to go to La Cabana for lunch. In reality I decided, but I figure Kevin would like to think that he wears the pants more than he really does. While walking to my car, we realized that not a lot of people know that we're NOT dating anymore and we should probably make one mass announcement to the world about it or something.

We enter La Cabana and Javier greets us saying...
Javier- Go sit somewhere romantic. *Points to elevated area*
Me- Okay. *Laughs*
Kevin- What did he say?
Me- He said to sit somewhere romantic, like we're dating or something.
Kevin- Oh. *Laughs*

We order, eat, talk, and sing our way through lunch. I really need to stop obsessing over Chicago. I needed to make my bladder gladder, so I meandered over to the bathrooms. Javier stopped me and beconed me into the little inlet where I work.

Javier- Two boyfriends???
Me- What? Oh no no no no no, only one. He's just a friend.
Javier- *gives look of disbelief*
Martha- *Laughs*

Oh! Martha is Javier's wife and the other owner/boss. She waitresses most of the time. I pee, return to my table and tell Kevin the news. He laughs. We get the check, pay, leave, go to my house, go to his house, and I leave to go to work. ( I covered a 4 hour timeframe in 1 sentence. I'm so cool.) At work I have many conversations with Javier. He must've been in a playful mood. He loves giving me crap. (Note: For those of you who only speak one language, I'll make sure to write the english translations. That means you Spencer. :-P)

Javier- Tienes dos novios? (Do you have two boyfriends?)
Me- No, solo uno. (No, only one)
Javier- Que quieres mas?(or something to that effect) El flaquito or el gordito? (Which do you want more? The skinny one or the fat one?)
Me- El gordito. (My answer)
Javier- Ohhh.

Later....
Me- Oooh. Pina Colada. Yum.
Javier- *random spanish giberrish meaning the following* If you had a Pina Colada you'd end up with four boyfriends instead of two. (Martha translated that for me.)

Javier talks to Jaime, the cook.

Javier- Jaime! Ella tiene dos novios. (Jaime! She has two boyfriends.)
Jaime- Yah?
They talk about me for a bit. I understood it all, it's just not all that important.

Javier leaves and Jaime calls my name. I look at him and he points to my hickey. Yes, my hickey. Then he points to Felipe's hickey.
Me- Yah. We match. So what?
Jaime- *laughs* Es bueno? O es malo? (Is it good or is it bad?)
Me- Ionno. Malo probably.

Yah...that's about it. Javier tried to steal my tips, and they all laughed and smiled at me a lot. Enrique wasn't there though. He's my lover. Erm...well...I think he has a crush on me. It's only because I'm white though, no worries.

I hope you all enjoyed my little ditty from work. Now I know that my boyfriend's parents hate me, my friends just want to ditch me, and my boss thinks I'm some kind of slut and/or prostitute. Actually, I lied. My friends don't want to ditch me all that much. The rest is true. I'm off to bed. Night!

Aww Fuck

2006-08-21T22:33:00.000-05:00

I tried to post...I really did...

I've been busy a lot. I've been spending time with my East friends, my East boyfriend, and Lindsey. I do not want to go back to school in 10 days. That's ridiculous. Why is it that the best/worst summer of my life has to end? It blows. I plan on going to the zoo this weekend. If anyone wants to come, let me know.

I need the Chicago soundtrack, movie version. I really really hate the vocals on the Broadway one, and me hating things is rare...so...yah...

To be honest, I feel like shit right now. It hasn't been a good day. Everything became final this afternoon, and the world I've been dreading is beginning to exist. I figure that if summer were just another month, I could hold on to the picture perfect family I desperately desire for a little bit longer.

I don't feel accepted. Well, I mean, I do. *Deep breath* Okay. I am accepted. I am accepted as a friend, as a girlfriend, and as a sister to many people. I feel like I'm butting in or taking someone's place or just...ahhh. I feel like there's nowhere to go. I hate being in my own personal hell, especially when I can't figure out why I'm there.

As you can see, I'm extremely fusterated. To sum up what's going on in my brain: They don't like me. They don't love me. I'm questioning myself, and I don't know why.

My Feelings

2006-07-25T22:47:00.000-05:00

I'm...weird right now. Maybe it's because the levelheaded part of me is elsewhere, and I'm coasting on emotions. Maybe not. I feel like I'm heard, but not listened to. I feel like I'm not taken seriously. I feel...misunderstood. I guess I'm being a tad selfish and a little overprotective...oh well.

I want to cry. I don't know why. Wow this post is getting really angsty and depressing. If every relationship around me is falling apart, why isn't mine?

I guess I'm lucky. I'm very happy where I am, and I never ever thought I would be here. It's a great feeling.

Urgh...I wish I had something to write. I wish my talent would never randomly disappear...but it does...all the time.

I'll write more when I have a good story.

Que Quiero

2006-07-24T22:04:00.000-05:00

I feel like jumping on the bandwagon and making a list too. So...here goes...

-Que Quiero-

I want to spend sunset to sunrise on a beach.
I want my Sim men to get pregnant.
I want to dance in the moonlight.
I want a Pina Colada.
I want to be able to eat without feeling fat.
I want to gain weight.
I want people to stop worrying about me.
I want pure and true love.
I want a love to last a lifetime.
I want honesty from friends and family.
I want to learn how to play guitar.
And the drumset.
I want to sing a song on a stage, alone, with a spotlight on me.
I want a library in my house.
I want a room of beautiful ballgowns.
I want to do one near perfect thing.
I want to mean everything to someone.
I want to take a leap of faith.
I want to publish something of my own.
I want the world to learn to love love.
I want to laugh so hard that I can't breathe.
I want to go skinny dipping.
I want to fall asleep in the arms of the man I love.
I want a basset hound puppy.
I want a brown and white horse.
I want to be the life of a party.
I want to be Juliet again.
I want to smell my smell.
I want to see myself through another's eyes.
I want to prove that love is really all you need.

Is Ever Gonna Bring Me Down

2006-07-02T23:04:00.000-05:00

Lately I've been eating, sleeping, and breathing Wicked music. It's a bad habit...I should try and quit.

Limelight went VERY well. We had a lot of talent this year from a lot of new people...and that's just wonderful. And, because I was unfortunately put into a situation with no close friends...I became very close to many people that I would've never known. *Smiles* I love my East men.

Today I went bowling with papa and CC. Turns out that it has nothing to do with a heavy ball and pins...it's all about boards and dots and arrows. Who would've thought? My sister throws an 8 pound ball like a shotput (sp?) though...it's ridiculously funny. I wish I would've brought my camera.

Quote of the day:

Dad- You let the ball go too early. Stop double-dribble-ing. (Note: I love basketball so I understand what he's saying. Another Note: A double-dribble to him in bowling is when you let go of the ball and it bounces twice before rolling down the lane.)
Me- Dad, stop using basketball terms in bowling.
Dad- Didn't you hear it go 'bang bang'?
Me- Was there any chitty chitty?

I was so proud of that comment. I felt good.

I spent the evening with Pepita, and then we went to Maria's shindig. It was fun. Good company, good food, good movie. Muy bueno. I must say, though, there were a few more people that I wish could've been there. Yah...*laughs* Silly Carl...

Well...I'm off. I have a few letters to write before I go to bed.

Boo. Ahh!

I Went Away For A While...

2006-06-26T21:14:00.000-05:00

Well...I didn't update for a while...I guess I was being extremely lazy, or my life was too exciting to post about.

I'm thinking I was just lazy.

Lately I've been doing stuff from 10-8 or so. Most of it is Limelight related. This publicity thing takes a lot of work. Lindsey and I have been running around trying to get people to like us. Spencer helps too. I should probably give him some credit for spending his morning with me. He gets 2 gold stars.

I went to bed after 4 AM last night. I'm ridiculously tired.

Wow...this is the most boring post I have ever written...I need to go to bed.

Por fin...

2006-05-30T06:06:00.000-05:00

So I've been waiting months to see Wicked...and now that the day's finally arrived, I'm way too excited for my own good. Just the thought of staying out past midnight in the most beautiful city in the US is amazing...and slightly rebellious. I'm waiting very patiently to spend the evening with my boyfriend, my east friends, and (of course) Mr. Fruits. Ahh....I'm so excited.

Anyway...

My weekend was extremely nice. Saturday the gang (Lindsey, Freddie, and Kevin) came over to help poor pitiful me with my spanish final. I don't know about them, but I had a blast.*Note-the three of them are my holy trinity* I eventually went to work and got paid. That's always nice. Sunday was a Kimmi day. I went tanning and DDR-ing. You know, I'm still kicking myself for not playing DDR at that New Year's party. Monday was...perfect. Kevin came over. We swam (next door of course) and ate and...slept. Good times.

Callbacks are today. I can only be there for about 50 minutes. I need to work my ass off, though. It should be good.

Last night I realized something that I'm quite happy about. I'm very pleased with where I am in life. I don't think anything else could make me happier. I feel relaxed (as much as I can with finals around the corner) and free...and it feels amazing...

The Post That Never Was Going To Be

2006-05-26T06:13:00.000-05:00

Please pardon my absence. I've been extremely stressed out with the 'end of the year' activities, not to mention finals, auditions, work, and Kevin. That doesn't matter right now. I have a little ditty I want to write about...

Since I was little, my life has revolved around music. There was always something good playing in the car, and the CD collection in my house (at the time) wasn't all that bad. Those days were wonderful, and I won't forget them.

The first time I ever heard The Beatles was in my old red van on the way to some unknown location. The first Anthology CDs had just come out, and my mother bought them. I adored their electronic noise, and even from that first time, their voices were unmatched. After introducing my sister to them, I would play my seatbelt guitar and she would slap the beat on her carseat drums. We were little, and didn't understand how well known The Beatles actually were. We just knew that they made the car a great place to be.

A year or two later, my father got Brian Wilson's Imagination album. At the time, I loved driving with my dad places. His music had words, unlike my mom's smooth jazz. Oldies music always played in his car, and I knew words to many of the songs. I remember loving South American and Imagination. The music was so lively, so happy. I remember calling it the 'cool CD' because I didn't know who sang any of the songs, just that they were good.

In fourth grade, I had the most wonderful teacher in the world-- Mr. Croon. Every Friday he would play his guitar for our class, entreating us to songs like 'Dead Skunk' and 'Grandma's Feather Bed' amongst others. One Friday afternoon, he plays this song called 'Feelin' Groovy'. He tells us about these two guys named Simon and Garfunkel. I'll be honest, I really wasn't paying attention to him then. I just wanted him to play. When he finally did, I fell in love with the song. It was so simple, and yet it made so much sense to me. The song is about being totally carefree and happy, and when I was singing along with Mr. Croon...I was good ol' happy-go-lucky Kimmi.

Freddie, Josh, and I went back to see Mr. Croon one of the last Fridays he taught. We sat down indian-style amongst his last group of 4th graders, and listened to him sing 'Feelin' Groovy' for one of the last times. Again I heard the strumming of the guitar, and again I was that little 4th grade girl. I sang along; I wasn't embarrassed. I think I even let a tear fall down my cheek. Just one. That last time in his room, that last time I got to hear his gruff yet melodic voice, that last time I got to hear him strum his guitar with ease...that last time I will never forget.

***

What does that have to do with now? Well...I met and fell in love with Kevin. I think I found another one of the many reasons why I did. He re-introduced me to The Beatles, Brian Wilson and The Beach Boys, and Simon & Garfunkel. It makes me smile knowing that I'm not the only one with a passion for music, especially this music. It's funny, I went searching for one love, and I returned with two: one love that I thought I could never have, and another that I have always had...yet never noticed.

With him...I can hear music...

If I Never Knew You

2006-05-14T21:06:00.000-05:00

I've been contemplating whether or not to update all weekend, and I FINALLY have the urge to write. Yay! Go me!

My weekend...

Friday- Went over to Kevin's after school. I forget what we did...OH! I totally pinned him. I can beat him in a fight any day. I went to work at 5. Yes, I work...at La Cabana. It's the best and most fun work in the world. They're desperately looking for help...so if you've been prayed for because you're unemployed (we'll get to that later), this is an awesome job...with tips.

Saturday- Kevin day. Had brunch with CC at the Grind. Picked up Kevin and went to the mall, CC's game, and target. Dropped CC off and went back to his house...and went to CHURCH. I didn't melt...it was amazing...Umm...we went back to his house, ate, and watched the Graduate. Thanks to Elliot, I have seen one movie before Kevin has. I get one gold star. I eventually leave, and stay up making 'Priest Aerobics' with CC. Go to my buzznet if you want to know.

Today- I woke up and cleaned like crazy for my mother, who was at work until 5. I mowed the patio (if you saw my patio you'd understand). Kendra came over, and after attempting to think up ideas for my spanish movie final, we karioked to Spice girls, Grease, and others...while CC filmed us...I have yet to decide whether or not one or both of our crazy singing escapades will be on my buzznet. Opinions will sway me. I serenaded Momma, we gave her presents, and we went out to Applebee's to eat. Buffalo wings are hot...my lips still kinda hurt.

So I made my way to Kevin's to drop of Pride and Prejudice. No, I didn't finish it, but I know what happens and I found my copy at home. I walk inside, say hi to his mother and father, and hand him the book. We make our way to his computer...which is basically "Kevin's music centre". He sits down and I sit on his lap, and for a half hour we sit and listen to music. Pretty songs, good songs, 3 second songs, songs made by his friends...it didn't really matter. I was curled up like a little girl on his lap, and he was singing softly in my ear. I don't know why I liked it so much, but I did. I didn't have to say a word to him, and yet there never was an awkward silence. I love that.

Damn...I never got to the unemployed bit. Oh well, I'm too tired. One day I'll explain it.

PS- I'm looking for a man to sing 'If I Never Knew You' with me. It's such a pretty and depressing song...and yes, it's from Pocahontas. So sue me. The version on the CD is terrible though...I'm going to find some good sheet music for it.

+ weight=good

2006-05-09T20:24:00.000-05:00

*Small smile*

Okay, so for those of you who are concerned with my well-being and or weight...or lack there of...I want to say that I gained 1.5 pounds since I last weighed myself. I feel wonderful...kinda...I haven't decided yet. Maybe it's muscle and not fat. That would make me happy.

Don't worry. It's not like I don't eat. I really do...It's just taking me a while to gain weight...either that or I lost a bunch of weight and then gained it back from January to now...I don't know...I hope that's the case.

Wouldn't it be nice to be proud?

2006-05-07T18:17:00.000-05:00

It's been a long week, so I'll give the 1 minute version. Big took control of my life, and I've been obsessing over Pride and Prejudice. My advice is to watch the movie before you read the book, that way you know that the book eventually DOES get better...and it's not so hard to read through. (Note: Watching a movie before reading the book first is totally against my belief system...but Jane Austin is an exception...) I'm counting down the days left of school, and the days until Limelight once again enters my life.

Of course, all of this isn't the reason why I'm posting. I had an urge to write, so here goes:

I've had a 'me' weekend, so to speak. My friends have been having fits with me, and both my best friend and boyfriend were not in Oswego this weekend...so I was on my own. I've spent a lot of time reflecting over the chain of events that have occured in these past few months, and deciding what I want to do with my future. I may go into detail later, but that's another post for another time. Right now I feel like sharing a little ditty about one man, whom I love and adore, to...as much of the world as I can. Because, quite frankly, I miss my boyfriend a lot, and I am waiting ever so patiently for his return to Oswego.

***

The last month I spent with Elliot made me completely miserable. I wasn't happy, and I refused to believe it. I spent my weekends desperately trying to cling to the happiness I knew I once had, but with two failing relationships and other chaotic events on my mind, I ended up spending most of those weekends alone...and terribly depressed.

El had conflicts yet again, so we couldn't spend that last weekend together. I guess it was all for the better though. I complained to Kevin online about it, and then decided that I had waited long enough for nothing, so I asked Kevin to meet me downtown. We strolled around down there; it was freezing and I was upset. He sympathized with me as I told him of my troubles, and was shocked to find out that I had resorted to starving myself and cutting as an outlet to the pain in my heart. He took care of me that afternoon, and made way too many Dylan and Beatles references for my little mind. He made me smile and laugh, and that's all I could've asked for.

The next day my relationship with El was officially over. He was there whether I liked it or not, listening to me cry or saying sweet and caring words to up my mood. We talked an aweful lot, and I found myself wanting to get home as quickly as I could just to talk to him a bit more. He understood what it was like to feel lonely and hopeless, and I took comfort in knowing that I wasn't all that alone.

Two weeks later was spring break, and we spent every moment we could together. It's so cliche, I know. My feelings for him were very deep, but I refused to let myself even think of dating him until I was almostallthewayover my relationship with El. Of course, I thought about it anyway. My heart has never once listened to my brain. Blah blah blah blah blah. Eventually, after many trials and tribulations, I was asked to be his girlfriend...and here we are.

***

That's always a fun story to tell. I guess I realized this weekend how much Kevin really means to me. He was the light at the end of my very dark tunnel, the rainbow after the nasty storm, and other cheesy things like that. Little does he know that he showed me that life is worth living, and that I should live for my wants, my desires, and my loves. He gave me strength, hope, and faith when I thought all was lost. Most importantly, in my darkest moments he refused to leave my side, when I thought all others had.

These are things I love him for, and these are things I wil never forget.

What if I can't stop smiling?

2006-04-29T16:39:00.000-05:00

*Sigh* Today has been a good day. A wonderful day. A perfect day.

Funny thing is...the day isn't nearly over.

I never thought loving again would be possible. I never wanted it to be...but guess what guys, it is. I'm happy now. I love that I'm happy. I want everyone to be happy like I'm happy.

My world is not even close to perfect, but that doesn't matter.

God I'm so happy...

Oh, and...What Not To Wear is quite possibly one of the best shows in the world...

An early morning.

2006-04-26T06:18:00.000-05:00

I should probably be looking for any kind of change for my chocolate chip pop-tarts, but I'm too lazy.

I'm kinda iffy this morning. The thoughts of "It's too good to be true" kept running through my mind, and now I'm wondering if I'm right. It's too easy. Now I'm wondering if pain will come along. I'm wondering if disappointment will follow. I'm hoping that I don't get let down. I'm scared that by hoping that, I will. I don't know why I've decided to not be happy this morning. I just have. I feel...scared. Like this is going to turn into everything before it. Maybe the flower is done blooming and it's all downhill from there...

...who am I kidding...

Funny Little Frog

2006-04-24T21:53:00.000-05:00

I love Funny Little Frog.

I don't know why...but I've been obsessing over The Life Pursuit lately. It's nothing like anything else B&S have ever done. It's...orgasmic. Anyway, I love this song. It's so happy. The lyrics make me smile, and the music is genius. I dance in the car and turn the volume up insanely loud when it plays.

I...I think I'm tired...I'm going to bed...screw you if you don't read my blog...

Mi Noche

2006-04-23T09:59:00.000-05:00

*Smiles* Last night...was wonderful...was perfect. It definitely could quite possibly be the best night of my life.

So I wake up in the morning and wait for Lindsey. She and I go to the shelter. We really just play with kittens the whole time, and this kick ass dog. He's amazing. I really wanna change his name from 'Onyx' to 'Brutus' or 'Gaston', because honestly...it would fit him so much better. We did 3 hours of...nothing, and then I took her to the bank where her family was. We didn't really talk much in the car. Rent was in, so we just sang the whole time...it's nice being able to say absolutly nothing to her and not worrying about the silence being awkward. There is a slim amount of people that I can do that with.

At around 2 I made it to the salon, and was sprayed and pinned and curled (with velcro curlers...kickass...) to my heart's content. I put on my dress and shoes, and did minimal amounts of makeup. Of course, I have way too much time left, and after showing the wonderful woman who did my hair my beautiful self, I went home for 15 minutes. Silly Kevin, mowing the grass.

I eventually showed up and glitteratized his whole house. We took pictures and all that jazz. His mother showed me her wedding album. She's so sweet. I like her a lot. I petted Abbey too...I actually may like her, despite her insanely small size.

Not to be confused with Kevin's poor time management skills, we left his house a little before 5. *Shakes head* I met Liana, and she's wonderful. I'm glad I can put a name with a face, finally. More people came. We took more pictures. (See buzznet for more.) Amongst many others I met Heather...and she's wonderful. She gets the A+ at making me feel comfortable. The dinner...was amazing...the presentation was that of a high-class restaurant. I almost died...

We eventually made it to East, and the setup was amazing. It really does make OHS dances look like crap. Now, I can't thrust like Liana, but I guess I'm not all that bad. *winks* I can be dirty too.

I was out until 12:30, driving and such...*shifty eyes* I just have one thing to say--I hate cops. They scare the shit out of me. *Laughs* I learned how to drive away BEFORE they see you. Damn cops...(Note: I promise that all cop encounters will not bite me in the ass later.)

Last night...if it could happen all over again...I would ask for it in an instant. There was nothing else going on in the whole world besides what was happening with the two of us.

What an unforgettable night...

I Need This

2006-04-18T17:56:00.000-05:00

...

I'm pretty much dying right now.

It's funny that it's so deep inside, and yet it's there.

I had a revelation last night while I was out on my drive to nowhere, and I'm dealing with the fact that it just is.

I try to concentrate on other things, but the thought is still there.

I can push through it, but what good will it do me?

It'll still be.

Perfectly Good Day

2006-04-18T17:25:00.000-05:00

I had a perfectly good day today. I don't really know why...and part of my mind is kinda thinking too much about things...but I had a good day. I attempted to speak some spanish to a girl...Kristina's friend. I wanna say her name is Rosa...but I don't know. It's a goal now. Next time I'm going to say a whole phrase in spanish to this girl. Maybe she's the secret key to making me fluent.

Speaking of...I had to give a presentation in spanish today. With Jenny (Raquel). And Keith (Pablo). Yah...total BS... my powerpoint didn't work and we made up an activity on the spot. It was ridiculously funny...and I'm sure Pablo hates me now. I'm thinking of recruiting Mateo and Pepita for my final...but I don't think Mateo would do it. He's a wonderful child...abusive...but wonderful.

So I think my friendship with Pepita's Michael is moving right along. I'm happy. He's a darling kid. He's so protective over his girlfriend, and so sweet in nature. He doodles. I've never seen a boy-child doodle. He thinks that I should join choir. I've actually been debating that thought for a while now...I would like to...but journalism 1 and 2 are more important...I would do it for a semester...but not year-round. I have an empty slot because the directed studies are 'a lose/lose situation'. So...yup...

Math. I hate math. I hope it dies. I play Sudukos for those 90 minutes. Hey, at least it involves numbers and problem solving skills....

My List Of Things To Do Before This Weekend:
-Finish that goddamn paper in English...it's due Friday
-Buy/Find shoes for formal
-Call Carrie to set that hair appt. time (WAIT THATS DONE)
-Talk to Pepita about Saturday morning...I can't wait to see the puppies and kitties
-Talk to family about going to see the talent show tomorrow
-Talk to Kevin about going to see the talent show tomorrow
-Make sure I'm ready for the debate on Thursday
-Get myself on costume crew
-Play with makeup for formal
-Paint nails for formal
-Coax Freddie
-Ease my mind

...sounds like fun...

P.S.

2006-04-14T17:39:00.000-05:00

Ohhh! Just another note...(not to ruin my other wondeful post, but...)

I just watched two birds have sex. Why must the male puff himself up before he hops on top of the female? What if she wanted to be on top? How could she take that? That poor, poor bird. Now she's gonna lay eggs that I'm sure she didn't want. She's gonna have bastard children. I would hate to be a pregnant bird...

And...

I have kick ass basketball skills. I definitely beat Kevin again, 10-4. *Giggles* Maybe I should try out next year...

To Those Who Care

2006-04-14T17:26:00.000-05:00

To those of you who enjoy staring at this blog, or care just a tad about my life...I have some very important news.

I have to write this right now just to piss my boyfriend off.

Yah, that's right. I have a boyfriend, and his name just happens to be Kevin. *Big smile here*

I'm very happy. I'm back to the bubbly happy that I was last year. It feels so good. It's new, it's fresh, it's exciting and wonderful and great and everything I could ever hope for right now. It's comfortable...I like it.

No one can ruin how happy I am right now.

It was changes that I wanted
Changes that I got...

Again

2006-04-11T20:49:00.000-05:00

Here I am again, staring at the rain. My thoughts are an impossible maze; my heart torn between what could've been and what could be. I escaped my cell, but not the prison. I gain, but I lose...all at the same time. My friends say I'm wise. But I'm merely a child. I'm a child that gets down and dirty. I'm the girl that makes the rules, then breaks them.

If this means nothing, then why does it feel like something?

I am not free...I just cannot see my boundaries...

There's Only Us

2006-04-09T21:21:00.000-05:00

What a week.

What a weekend.

Life is good.

I'd love to elaborate...but I'm getting caught up in massive amounts of IMs. I got my dress. CC won her soccer game. I spent my weekend with Kevin. I really like him. I kinda want to go to school tomorrow. I don't want to make up that math test. Gym is fun. I feel muscle-y.

That's about it. More later, I promise.

Spring Break Day 8

2006-04-01T23:21:00.000-06:00

*Sigh* I've had the best break ever, and it sucks that it's going to end after tomorrow...

I can drive. I got my license yesterday at about 2:30 pm. I kicked Plano ass...*laughs* It really wasn't all that hard. My first two drives were out to Kevin's house...yah I bet the boy feels REALLY special. My sister enjoyed my driving too...minus my crappy crooked parking at Dominicks.

Today...I went out with Kevin. What the hell, call it a date. I went on a date with Kevin. I took him to Red Robin and to a movie- Failure to Launch. V for Vendetta's earliest show was at 9, so he got jipped. Oh well. I got some ice cream afterwards, and we sat in the car and talked. Yes. Talked. Get your mind out of the gutter. (That is definitely one of my new favorite quotes.) It was nice. It couldn't have been better.

Okay, so I was in the mood to write for the first time in god knows how long, so you're going to read it. *Sighs* Don't read too into it...please...

To be or not to be was the question.

The pain is...was...unbearable. Now I know how Caesar felt. I was torn apart piece by piece. A heart of glass shattered on the floor and an empty body lay next to it. I was hopeless and utterly alone…yet everyone seemed to pass me by. I put on a face. I played everything off as an innocent act. It wasn’t.

The pain wasn't just mental and emotional, it was physical too. I wish I realized it before, but I didn’t. My body became the outlet to my pain, my flesh my scratching post. Scabs and scars were scattered about my arms, sadly showing what my simplistic smile could not. I doubted every happily-ever-after belief I once had. My days were spent hiding, and my nights were left to my pain, my tears, and the moon.

I never thought I could love again until tonight.

His eyes are angelic, and his smile is to die for. Maybe examining other beauties is the right thing to do. I feel butterflies, and I turn into a blushing school girl once again. His hand guides me. His arms protect me. His heart cherishes me. He kisses my wounds and they heal. I realized I’ve suddenly remembered what it feels like to get caught in the moment, to light a new fire.

I love. I lose. I live. I die. I remember. I forget. I can do all of these things, but I can never turn back time. The stars may cross for a reason. Juliet could find her Romeo. Love can be patient and kind all over again.

This I will never know unless I take the chance.

Wednesday Evening...

2006-03-29T22:34:00.000-06:00

I just called up Freddie, they're in Georgia or Tennessee. *Eats chocolate* I miss them...but it's been a good day, so I don't miss them as much. That's always a good thing...

I definitely saw my first cat fight. It scared the CRAP out of me, but I love the kitty that wanted to sleep on my lap. We ate at Micky D's, only because there was nothing good and cheap. Yes, we're cheap girls...but I'm saving for a pretty dress.

I spent the rest of the day with Kevin. We ran errands, walked the dog, ate, talked, and watched a movie. I swear, that boy must be sick of me by now. *Laughs* I'll let him go have his fun for a day or two. Yah...I'm happy...I'm really happy...

God only knows what I'd be without you...

Wednesday Morning

2006-03-29T08:35:00.000-06:00

Well...it's 8:30 in the morning...

I feel slightly sad, and kinda empty. I realized that there will be NO ONE on my buddy list, which means that NO ONE will be at home. Well, that's not totally true...I have Kevin, Mel, Andre, Kim, and Lindsey. *Laughs* Okay maybe I have enough people to tide me over. I said goodbye to everyone I needed to say goodbye to.

Today I'm playing with doggies and kitties again with Mel. That'll be fun. I have to go by the Target area and grab some stuff...and then we'll see about the afternoon. *Smiles* I guess I'm not all that empty. I'm still really happy...but scared all at the same time...

Oh well.

Go ahead and kiss her, you don't know what you're missing...

Spring Break Day 4

2006-03-28T22:08:00.000-06:00

I'm so angry that my other post didn't get posted. Oh well. It wasn't that long anyway.

I played with homeless kitties and a homeless puppy. I swear if anyone wants him let me know, he's the sweetest dog in the world. I tried to teach him how to sit. It...kinda worked out. I ate at Taco Bell and went home. Oh yah. I definatly didn't drive myself. Mel and I went together. It was nice talking to her again...I'm gonna go tomorrow. I'm excited.

I hung out with El in the early afternoon. We ran into Brian at Target. His nieces are adorable. El eventually dropped me off at the library, and I hung out there til Kevin got done with his haircut (thank god), and met me there. We talked, and I felt important. Blah blah blah hung out at home blah blah blah dinner etc. etc. etc. The point is...I had fun. I'm really having fun again, and that's good.

I'm so happy. I'm happy and everyone yet no one knows why. *Smiles*

Spring Break Day 1

2006-03-25T09:38:00.000-06:00

Events in life are...unexpected. Sometimes I'm happy. Sometimes I'm sad. Sometimes I'm disappointed, and sometimes I have no idea what is going on...but at least I know that it is.

I just came back from the dentist. Sadistic people...I hate it there. My mouth hurts, and my sister is babysitting Will across the street. He is the cutest baby boy with the prettiest blue eyes in the world. She is loaded with cash...maybe I could con my mother into going to the mall for a little bit before my job...hmm...

Kevin and I hung out yesterday evening. I had a lot of fun. And yes, I am going to his spring formal with him. I decided a needed a fun night to look forward to, PLUS I already have a dress to wear...if I can't find anything simple yet good anywhere else...hmm...It'll be fun. I'm excited.

I guess that's all I got today. I get to watch a child tonight and play Dance Dance Revolution...it should be interesting.

I think I'm waiting for Monday, but I haven't exactly decided yet...

This is the happiest I've been in a long time.

Philosophy

2006-03-23T17:43:00.000-06:00

I have a theory...if two people truly love each other, then they should be together. It couldn't be more simple than that. If things don't work out...they'll fall out of love, and move on...but there is no reason for two people who deeply care for one another to be apart...ever...

I loved you
You know I loved you
It's all over now...

Como Estas? Asi Asi...

2006-03-22T18:57:00.000-06:00

I woke up this morning more alert than ever, yet more tired than awake. I got to school and Mr. Tu said that half of my tested wasn't all that great, and he gave me the option to make up for it. Here's the thing. I don't get these insane log things or the number e...who cares about a number e??? I sure as hell don't. Those 1st grade teachers totally lie about numbers. I just...hate math. I've been condemned to math hell, amongst others.

In english we finished up our soliloquy based off of Hamlet...I think it's time to share Kim and my original version...

Soliloquy of a Distressed Shopper

By: Kim and Kim

To buy, and walk proudly in these shoes indeed

Or not to buy, that is the question:

Whether ‘tis wiser for a girl to splurge

And face the foreboding agony

Or to weep over the loss of a great purchase. To buy, to wear—

And by wearing, one experiences admiration and envy

From girls...and some gay guys. To buy, to wear—

But with wearing comes the fateful aches and pains

Of the prolonged proper posture

Ah, there’s the price tag.

For only if there were more men in the world

To put their wallets to great use

For my poor salary does not even account for one of these lovely shoes.

For who would bear the insubstantial feeling of seeming incomparable to others?

While being surrounded by feel that are lovely and soft,

Flat and boring will never attract ones longing desire

Which, would be the consequence of walking away from this rare pair.

Thus dilemma doth make gold-diggers of us all

And thus the reluctant resolution

Is eased with the mere sight of cashmere.

And since our choices lead to better things

We pause upon the boutique of decision.

Yah...so we fixed it up a bit to make it less...whatever it was. The rest of school was boring. Afterwards was...everything and nothing at the same time. Don't even bother trying to ask. It hurts too much...

Lost and Confused

2006-03-20T18:02:00.000-06:00

*Big sigh*

I'm so confused now; I don't even know if I can talk about it. As of yesterday I thought I had everything in order...and as of not even a day later I realize that I don't. I hate feeling mixed up and lost and confused...especially when everything made sense 5 minutes before.

Push me. Pull me. Love me. Hate me. Neglect me. Cherish me. Lose me. Win me. Too much...I hate having a blank canvas sometimes...

And now it's time to say what I forgot to say...

Sunday

2006-03-19T21:17:00.000-06:00

Today was like...ionno...

It started off disappointing, but I should be used to that. I always pick myself up though. You have to be proud of me for that. Kevin and I went to Targetland and ate at Chili's. Question: Why did they seat two people at a 4 person table? I was confused.

I didn't buy anything. It was a sad store experience. I decided I want a fish. Not right now...some other day. I'll pick one name, and once one dies the name will be passed down to the next fish. They don't care; they have a three second memory anyway. Afterwards I met Kevin's doggy...she's cute :)

I'm sad the afternoon is over and I have to go back to school. I'm a tad disappointed for other reasons too.

The black will be white and the white will be black, but the blues are still blue...

Last Night

2006-03-18T12:35:00.000-06:00

Last night I realized that if all else fails, I can marry myself to music.

Think about it. It's been around since the beginning of time. If I don't like something, I can always find something new. I always do the choosing. If I don't like the new stuff, I go back to the old stuff. If I let go of one CD, I can put it on a shelf and return to it later. It won't reject me; it always likes being listened to. I can even have a few one night stands. Evening concerts can consume my life, while there's always that one song on my Ipod that I'm still dying to listen to. Music seems like a good choice...

Anyway...last night I went to the Jazz Fest at OHS with Pepita (Lindsey) and Kevin. The music was awesome, and I had a lot of fun. Pepita and I had a hugging contest, and we played a few games of 'let's see who can annoy Kevin faster'. I think I totally won that one. I got home around 10, and read for almost an hour before passing out on my bed. Doty called to vent to me a little after 11...but after that I was out again.

I'm kinda angry though. This is my weekend, right? So why is it that I wake up at 8 and can't get back to sleep? It drives me insane. Well...I'm off. I'm hoping that I'll get some hours in before next weekend, and later on today or tomorrow I'm going out to a movie. I have to wait for a call on that part though.

Messed Up

2006-03-16T11:46:00.000-06:00

I honestly don't get it.

I don't get anything.

I feel like I'm supposed to know exactly how to handle everything that comes my way. I feel like I'm supposed to know how to talk, think, act...and not have the option of people taking it the wrong way. I'm trying to be a really big girl. A really, really big girl...yet I feel so stupid. I feel like I'm not being treated right. I feel like no matter what right I try to do, someone always twists it into another one of my 'selfish acts'. I don't have alterior motives...it's too complicating to do anything like that.

I think everyone thinks that I'm a mind reader. I know I'm not. I think people think that I'm unbreakable, and they can be as mean as they want to me...and I'll be indifferent. I'm not that either. I'm fragile. I'm slowly picking up the pieces of this last month and I keep dropping them. I'm accused of things that I never had any intent to do...I don't believe I did them.

I'm a friendly person. Eveyone who knows me knows that. I don't hang all over people, nor do I try to be clingy. I feel hated. I feel like I did something insanely wrong...something that was all my fault that I didn't even know I did. I'm so hurt right now, not because of the initial loss...but because of the ripple-effect. All I want is a friend. I don't expect anything more than that. I feel like I've been treated badly...when I'm trying so hard to not do anything wrong...

I really want to throw in the towel. I want to say 'okay God, you win'. I'm not seeing any silver lining here. I'm so messed up, confused, and I don't know how I feel half the time. I would kill to be a little kid again. I knew nothing then, and I know too much now.

Just One More Day

2006-03-12T21:28:00.000-06:00

Today...there's too much to say.

I'm listening to 'Dear Prudence' because Kevin told me that I had to.

I'm...lost...but that's okay.

I went downtown with Kevin. It was a great spontaneous activity that was so worth it. My gold star of the day goes out to that child. He deserves so much.

My silver star goes to the lady who works at Elmer Fudge downtown. She let the both of us in out of the cold AND fed us candy. She made my day.

I don't feel like talking anymore...sorry that I wasn't more interesting.

Deleted

2006-03-10T18:06:00.000-06:00

I officially deleted the 'Me and Monika' blog. Let's all have a moment of silence....

...

Okay. Now that it's over. I've been in a good mood for the past few days. God only knows why. My mom graduated from nursing school, and already has a job that she'll start on the 10th of April. Yay...i think. It'll be a blessing or a curse...so I guess we'll see about that. It means a little extra to those of you who know what I'm talking about. Things will be okay...that's what they always say.

I'm going to go out and do something...I can't sit here like a bum. I suck at it and it makes me depressed. I'll talk more later...I hope...

I'm deciding...

2006-03-07T17:23:00.000-06:00

I guess I'm deciding whether or not to stay in the joint...or out of the joint. My guesses are out. It died. It should have a funeral. It was a nice try though...it kept things going for a while. I think I'll do the honors tomorrow.

A lot of things have been going on in the past week or two, so don't bitch at me for not updating. If you haven't found out and you think you're good enough to find out, try your luck...but I'm not talking about it here.

Here's my question of the day: Why is everything so complicated?

As a child, life was so simplistic. I mean...I remember days during the summer where I'd play outside with Michael from sunrise to sunset. Even in Jr. High I just had petty problems...most of them having to do with boys...but you know...it happens. I guess now that I'm of the age where I see things in a larger spectrum, I notice that not everything is black and white. It's hard to leave something behind, whether it be a person, place, or object. Even the nicest of people can be rutheless, and anyone can ruin someone's day. Men and women alike lie, steal, cheat, love, hate, live, and die. It's just...harder than it was before...like math. (Slight miff-age towards Brian for not telling my that high school math is hard)

I know life isn't supposed to be easy, but I don't think it's supposed to be difficult all the time. Lately I've just been in a rut of anger and depression. Part of it I couldn't help, and part of it was self-induced. Now I'm starting to see the light, but I feel like I'm the only one who's seeing it. I want someone to see it with, who's willing to take a leap of faith despite what all others think. I want someone who isn't afraid to get his or her feelings hurt while doing something he or she wants to do...or just feels like doing. I need to be spontaneous, but don't need to be alone.

HoKay

2005-11-25T22:17:00.000-06:00

I think I need something new. So here it is guys...

Click the new link...you know, the one in all caps. Monnie K and I are sharing. It's a new method of writing...and keeping close to my best girl friend all at the same time.

Zesty!

2005-11-25T20:49:00.000-06:00

Since Kim is uber boring, I, Monika aka Mother Theresa, will try to save this blog, after all Mother Theresa was a savior. I would like to begin by wishing death upon any person who has hurt her feelings. Second, I would like to mention that Kim and I are twins seperated at birth, we just happened to be born in different months. Our mothers couldn't hold their drinks very well if you know what I mean. Since Im super nice Ill give you a few great conversation starters, that I personally recommend for breaking the ice.
1) So..about those blades in toilets..gotta get the job done somehow...
2) I wish I was a walrus..if I lived in a clausterphobic zoo Id just reproduce the whole time...
3) Did you know porcupines float on water?
-More Later, Monika aka M.T.

Broken

2005-11-14T16:13:00.000-06:00

Freddie wants an update...so here it goes...

My eyes hurt so bad. They are so dry and I don't know how to fix them. More importantly, I don't know how to fix my heart...my soul. I'm broken. The pain is overwhelming and even though I know it will all be okay...the fact that it happened kills me inside. Everyone knows I have hope and faith, and I still do. Yet...today was hell. I walked around school blindly, I pretended to have a smile on my face and laugh and joke. It's a good thing I'm a decent actress. I'll get back up again...it won't be that hard...things will get better. I believe in that.

I keep saying that I'm a big girl...but I feel like a little broken glass doll...somebody please pick up the pieces.

Yogurt

2005-10-18T17:14:00.000-05:00

I just ate some yogurt, and it kinda made me feel a bit better. I'm not in a sour mood, I'm just accepting the facts. BAH! Okay, I'm over it. The second horse isn't the one that makes the money. So because of this stupid Poli Sci Project, I've seriously been considering things that I may want to do...maybe...

-Try choir
-Try out for the girls' basketball team
-Get Hoefler to let me talk in the box
-Learn some kind of band instrument...yah...right...
-Be the best at something
-Get my hair cut
-Sing a duet...god Keegan...my heart is set on it...

Yah that's all I got.

PS- Hey everyone, El's birthday is in 9 days! Guess what I'm getting him? Haha, even though he probably won't read this til afterwards...I can't breathe a word. It's top secret, but I know he'll like it...but if I tell he'll be angry cuz I ruined the surprise aspect.

It Feels Good To Write Again

2005-10-09T19:28:00.000-05:00

So I wrote out a dream I had last night, and I realized how much I am still in love with writing...so I decided to post. It won't be long, but it feels good to just sit and ponder on how to phrase something, or how to make one stupid sentence be so heartfelt it makes you want to cry. My friends have band, choir, theatre...you name it while I've been struggling to find myself time and time again over the past years. I've tested the waters in so many things, enjoyed some things, but rarely stuck with them for one reason or another. I've left writing time and time again, thinking that there was something better, something more stable that I wanted to do with my life.

You know what I realized?

There isn't. There is nothing I want to do more than write. I love being able to tug at someone's heartstrings. Words are powerful. There are times where I wish that I had fallen in love with something else, but I didn't. I don't know where I'm going to go in these next few years...but I'm going to write.

Mi Dia

2005-09-28T19:24:00.000-05:00

Okay. So I figure I have nothing better to do than tell you about my day...but before we go on.

I feel like crap.

That being said, please forgive me for being a little extra short-tempered, mean, or just kind of rude until this stupid cold subsides. I decided that after mono, my immune system basically died, and any minor cold has kind of become a not so minor issue. I do not, however, apologize for attempting to beat up Anthony, who honest to god needs to learn to keep his hands to himself, especially when I'm sick. Little perv.

I woke up this morning and couldn't breathe out of my nose. How exciting. I took some drugs and meandered to school. People were like 'get better, get better' and I said that it was only a cold. I'd be fine.

In math I solved this crazy preportion/variable problem that no one else knew. For being the 'great' student that I am in that class, it was a big accomplishment. Don't kill it. AB= X(B+C) *Big smile* I'm also taking in a wonderful Kleenex box not because it gets me 5 points extra credit, but because I need it.

Chemistry was Chemistry. It was kinda mutual. I love Mrs. Barron though. She made me laugh for some reason today; I forgot why. Andre and I were probably the only two kids in that class that actually did our homework. Everyone else screwed around. I hate people like that.

Poli Sci was really dull, but Mr. Hoefler impressed me with a story he told. I'm just going to leave it at that, and not ruin the moment in my head. Spanish...fue espanol. En clase Pablo-Juan y yo escribimos una historia. *Thinks- I should probably write this in English* So Pablo-Juan and I wrote this story about E.T. (said 'aye-taye' en espanol) Now just to be funny, he and I decided that the main character of this story would be...Elliot. *stifles giggle* We went on for a whole page describing the kid...it was funny. I got to draw him three times though, and every time the muscles in his shoulders got bigger and bigger. E.T. also wore a silver suit with buttons. I'm a dork, I know.

So I just decided that I have to get better. Not for myself, for someone else that probably wants me better more than I do. I love him though...we're going to have a fun weekend...

Exerpt

2005-09-14T20:02:00.000-05:00

This is an exerpt from 'What If I Said What I Was Thinking?' I think it would sound better spoken than just read, personally. To be short, it's basically random dialogue that I got from a one-sentence idea in my head. Don't fear...it's not about anything real...just my over-imaginative mind at work.

---

*Cal makes some joke about why he can't go out tomorrow night* It's no big deal, right?
Yah...no big deal...just like every other time.
What?
Cal, it is a big deal. Whether you like it or not, it's a big deal. It's not all fun and games anymore, Cal. I'm sick and tired of being your toy. I don't want to be played with only when you're not busy, or when I look appealing. I'm sick of you always at work or at your stupid AP class. I'm tired of being cast away like I did something wrong when I've been trying to do everything right. What about me? What if I get into that private pianist class? ...I got the acception letter today, just in case you cared. What about when I go off to college in a year to pursue my journalism career? What happens when roles are reversed? To be honest, right now I can't wait for you to sit up night after night, wondering if I have the time to call. Or if I'll be too tired or busy to see you. I can't wait to see your heart break time and time again when I make promises that are too good to be true, and then fail to keep them. One day you'll break and be miserable day after day after day--just like me. Only then will you realize what the hell is going on in my head. Things are changing Cal; it's not just about you anymore.

---

Eh...it was okay...I'll do better next time...

6 a.m.

2005-09-09T06:01:00.000-05:00

It's 6 in the morning, and I'm in such a weird state of mind right now. I tried to have some breakfast, but I feel like throwing it all up. It's funny, because I'm not sick. Maybe it was because I didn't eat much yesterday; I don't know. I felt better last night than I did all day yesterday, and yet when I wake up I'm a miserable mess. I'm second-guessing whether or not I want to try out for the stupid play, and every few minutes I feel like laughing, yelling, or breaking down. It's driving me crazy and I want the normal me back...

...it's funny tho, I can't remember who the normal me is...

Espanol

2005-09-07T17:51:00.000-05:00

School is okay. I know, I should've posted more before...but I'm a bum; get over it. Tengo un examencito de vocabulario man~ana! 45(ish) verbos!!!!! The thing is...I know 98% of them, so it's all good. Let's see...I have a Poli Sci quiz tomorrow too. Nothing big, I learned the word 'allegiance' from Boy Meets World. Hmm...Mi novio esta enfermo :( I was so sad. I feel bad because I want to be able to take care of him...give him soup and DVDs and make him all better, but I can't. I feel terrible that he's sick, pero I feel mas terrible because there's nothing I can do. That feeling of helplessness kills, you know? Hopefully, (and I am full of hope) he will get better really soon. If not, I'll help him get there. I ain't leavin'.

I needed to get that out. I miss making people happy...so I'm going to start doing that...right now...

Old Stories

2005-08-24T23:30:00.000-05:00

As my sister's little book of poetry floats through the hands of better critics than me, I started to look through my old stuff and see if any of it was any good. Actually, El asked me about my 'Survivor stories'. I paused on the phone for a second, and realized that I never EVER talked to him about these crazy stories I wrote in Elementary school. "What?" I questioned. As it turns out, my lovely 5th grade teacher was talking about/poking fun at my earlier works. After trying to convince El that I didn't know what he was talking about...I caved in...and you want to know something? I still have a bunch of old notebooks that are full of old stories. And just for fun, I'll re-write some of them in here-- word for word, just like you were reading in that 5 year old, wide ruled notebook.

***

During school the next day our class wasn't enjoying our math assessment when suddenly the fire alarm went off. "I wasn't expecting this," Mr. Fauth said,"line up in a silent line and get out of the school."
It just so happens the call wasn't fake. As we were attemtping to get out of the building, our class found out that we couldn't get out the way we were supposed to. Or the backup. Or the double back up. "We're dead!" Freddi, a classmate, said.
"Not possible," Mike L. said. "Just not possible."
"I wanted to live a longer life!" Sam wailed.
"Mike, Ty, come with me!" I yelled. We threw ourselves against the gym door. During that time Mr. Fauth fainted.
Finally, the gym doors opened. "Guys, stay here!" I yelled to the class. "Ty, Mike, we gotta find a way outta here!" We ran through the gym to the other side where the team teach classrooms were. That way was blocked out. "We gotta go straight!" I yelled. "I see an exit!"
"I'll get the class!" Ty hollared.
Seconds later our class came and we got out. I counted, but we were missing someone...Mr.Fauth.

***

Catchy ain't it? I couldn't find any Survior Amazon ones to write, so I picked a semi-good story. I realized that the plum lady, Wiggle Puppy, and good ol' Mr. Fauth plagued my stories that year, and they're quite entertaining to read.

*Giggles* I'm off to bed.

...I wanna Wiggle Puppy...

Ben & Emily

2005-08-17T21:05:00.000-05:00

Today was just a bleh day. The right side of my body is in some pain right now. Other than a sweet boy riding in the blazing sun to only see me for an hour...nothing went according to plan today. Jo says tomorrow will be better, and I trust her word...so tomorrow will be better.

I babysat today for a little boy named Ben. We rode bikes, caught frogs, and played crazy ping-pong. His mom and sister came home at about 8, and it's what his older sister said that kinda makes me smile...

Sister- Is that a ring on your necklace?
Me- Yah.
Sister- Is it a diamond ring?
Me- mhm.
Sister- Yah it is. See there's diamonds.
Me- Yup. My boyfriend gave it to me. We've been dating for over a year.
Sister- Are you going to marry him?
Me- Maybe. We'll see. *Smiles*
Sister- Yes you are. I know you are.
Me- Well when we do get married, do you want to come to the wedding?
Sister- Yes, yes, yes!
Me- *smiles and laughs*
***

It makes me smile.

TA DA

2005-08-13T15:36:00.000-05:00

Thursday made me happy.

So did Friday.

Today I roller bladed in the rain...there...that's my life in a nutshell.

Oh! I'm babysitting tonight. 4:20-9ish...mas dinero para mi! Dad has poker night...and has been PMSing all day...I'll write about it later maybe. Then again I really need to write in my little book. We'll see.

Past, Present, Future

2005-08-10T11:49:00.000-05:00

Yesterday. That was...different. I should say it was great because I had something to do all day, but it wasn't. I mean, it's okay now...but yesterday...bah!

Right now I'm sitting at home...alone...til about 1:30ish today. I can't take the dog out because I have to wait for my dad's anniversary gift to my mom to come in the UPS truck. Someone (not me) missed it yesterday, and he's freaking out about it. It's actually kinda cute. He's being so secretive and won't tell me anything. I admit, I'm not the best with secrets, but the only person I tell is my darling boyfriend...which brings me to other things.

Tomorrow is the 1 year thing. Yes, I put up with him (or he put up with me) for an official year. The cute little girl in me is making this a big deal, but the other me (whoever that is) knows it's just the official date. We were together for longer...much longer. Still, it feels good to know that I am cared for enough to see this day. As long as he doesn't get shot or stabbed by a bum til after the next time I see him...it'll be okay. The only disappointment still stuck in my head is that I won't even get to see him tomorrow. That's what he gets for being a busy boy, though. Oh well...all things must pass.

I think I'm gonna go finish Beowulf. It's really blunt...

My New Hair

2005-08-05T21:10:00.000-05:00

Okay guys...I took the plunge. I've been rebelling all day (that's what happens this time of the month), and I dyed my hair. It's called 'iced coffee' and I like it. It turned out lighter because of the original blondeness...but IT MAKES ME REALLY HAPPY RIGHT NOW. I NEEDED CHANGE. Change is so good, but I know there are some things I never will change...no matter what kind of mood I'm in right now.

I think I forgot to let the cat in...shit...

PS- You can see pictures of me on my buzznet. Enjoy!

What love is

2005-08-04T23:50:00.000-05:00

You know what is completely amazing?

It's amazing that you can yell and scream and hate and just be pure hell to someone...and after all of it is over, you end up loving them even more.

What doesn't kill us only makes us stronger.

Let me break,
Let me crawl,
Cuz I'll get back up again,
If you let me fall.

Captain Planet

2005-08-03T23:13:00.000-05:00

I was bored after a long and exciting day today, so I decided to sit on the computer and sing theme songs that I knew. Well...I resurfaced a part of my memory that was long forgotten. And it is...

Captain Planet! He's our hero! Gonna take pollution down to zero.

Okay, so it was lame and so little kid-ish of me. Common, it made you smile a little bit, if not laugh hysterically. CP taught us how to be cool while saving the planet at the same time. And besides, I always had a crush on the redhead...I don't remember why. So when you're feeling in the dumps because you have to take out the trash...

The power is yours!

Grr

2005-07-26T20:54:00.000-05:00

You know what I absolutly hate? I'm sorry, but when people write with 'b4's and LoL's and jk's in their blogs. Maybe it's because I'm a writing freak, but I really think it looks...bad...and very immature...I can't stand reading blogs like that.

Sorry...I had a moment.

2005-07-17T23:06:00.000-05:00

Well I thought that I'd get a chance to write more, but it's late in Central time and Mountain time...so I'll do my best to sum up the days as best as I can

Day 1- Nothing exciting. Lotsa upsetness and crying in the hotel bathroom. I never wish for that much hurt to happen again...

Day 2- Left Iowa, went thru Missouri, and then entered South Dakota. Went to Sioux Falls...yup... pictures on Buzznet.

Day 3- Time change. OMG I HATE BEING IN THE MIDDLE OF NOWHERE!!! I can't call the boy like I wanted to...but... the scenery is amazing...that's the only thing I love. I wish to be home so bad.

I'm tired. I'll write more soon... I promise.

Vacation

2005-07-14T22:20:00.000-05:00

Well...tomorrow I'm going on vacation for 10ish days. Maybe 11. I don't know. I packed enough clothes. That's all that matters.

I don't want to go, but I guess I have to...not being a legal adult yet has its disadvantages. If only it were somewhere I wanted to go...

I'll try to have fun, and bring Joshita back an Indian. :)

Don't have too much fun without me. I'll miss you all...and only the special people get calls from me while I'm gone.

;)

Bored!

2005-07-12T13:49:00.000-05:00

Today is boring...to say the least.

I've been thinking a lot about vacation. I can't wait to go and ride horses and take pictures and swim and tan, but I can wait when it comes to leaving home. I like my nice warm bed and my computer. I like the people that are here and I feel like I'm going to miss something while I'm gone. I don't know...I don't like the indecision my brain is going through right now.

*Sigh* I really don't have a choice anyway, do I?

Look at CC's new link. She finally has a blog that she's happy with. I have to get a new commenty thing for her tho...

I have to admit, I feel like the smarter older sister doing that for her. What she doesn't know is that without El and some other people, I would have no idea what the hell I'm doing. I'm learning.

11

2005-07-11T23:28:00.000-05:00

He just called. I really don't have much to say.

I smiled. He remembered. I forgot. Just shows how funny things work out.

I thought I might show that to the world. My mood just went up 100% That's hard to do, considering it was full to begin with.

...many many more...

It's not my fault

2005-07-06T23:17:00.000-05:00

You know, once this madness is over...I'm leaving for another state. I swear, I just want to sit at home and relax and play in the pool. Growing up is stressing, and I'm sure it doesn't get better. I only wish I didn't feel so selfish at the moment, and could figure out a way to make things a little less hectic.

Dear god I love the theatre business...

Better Day

2005-07-03T23:09:00.000-05:00

Today was so much better of a day...I'm so glad I wasn't bored.

I woke up around 10...ate some Lucky Charms and took a shower. I IMed Michael and he told me to scamper over to his house. I did. Well, that's not true. I was wearing two towels at the time for clothes...so I put something that society would consider acceptable on and then went over. I stared at his room and played some strange game. His mother came home and wanted him to do chores, so we left to my house. Ummm...played this game on addictinggames.com called 'Tanks' for about 2 hours total. I know, I'm crazy. We ate some nachos, watched Amber almost kill a baby bunny, and took her on a walk. *Thinks* Oh! I 'crashed' his party with CC. /really what happened was his mother said to come swim. We swam...and swam...and then my father pops out of nowhere.

Father- Kim you're babysitting for Uncle Tom in 15 minutes.

I freak out. Maybe it was because I was gonna make money, or maybe it was because I was half naked and drenched in chlorine and didn't want my cousins to see me like that. Who knows. I watched little Jared and made a bit of dinero. YAY! I feel so accomplished. So now I have to figure out what to do with the money...I know...that's a toughie...

OH! So I heard an amazing story from CC. I thought it was hysterical.

So Gannon (cute little boy) was playing with Bo and Jack (neighbors and brothers). They were doing something, and Bo and Jack said that in the olden days, the king didn't like god, so he sent out his knights and they killed him. So the king killed god. Now little Gannon runs home to his mommy. He says, "Mommy! I'm the king! I killed god!" His mother says, "Gannon, where did you hear that?" Gannon replys, "Bo and Jack told me, and they go to church, and you have to listen to people who go to church."

Now I died of laughter at that point. I thought it was completely hysterical. That's all I got...

GRRR

2005-07-02T23:09:00.000-05:00

I hate how I'm not trusted. It drives me insane. I put up with the rules, but then more get made. Tighter, stricter, ones. I try to use reason, but honestly, it doesn't matter. I'm too young, or it doesn't matter cuz he doesn't like it. WHY DON'T YOU TRUST ME? You raised me to be a smart, mature young adult...but you don't trust me enough to let me prove it to you...or is it that you don't trust yourself?

By this time, I don't care and I rebel...and that's when we fight. So why don't you just trust me a bit...and we wouldn't have to go thru all of this mess.

I forgot what I was really going to write about today. Sorry.

Tired Yet Awake

2005-07-02T00:33:00.000-05:00

Funny...I have nothing to write now that R&J is over. Life has gone back to normal. Well, okay, there's Alice...but...I don't have a part so :-P I can't stand sitting there watching...even by the lights and sound...because I want to be on stage. I'm horrible. I've had some pretty selfish moments; El can vouch for me on that one. But it's okay; I can wait.

New season of 'Degrassi'. *Sobs* They're growing up...and getting STDs...

TA-CO *does hand motion*

I told him that I've been there before...there's the proof.

Juliet and her Romeo

2005-06-25T15:09:00.000-05:00

I am in love with the show. I just watched it all play back to me. I'm still in total denial that there's one more show tonight and that I'm not performing. Oh well, Mallory will do fine.

Well that's cute. CC took many pictures of me last night, and the vast majority of them are on my Buzznet.

Oh and one more thing. Watching yourself kiss a guy that's not your boyfriend...well it's probably one of the strangest things I have ever watched. My thoughts were, "Wow...WOW...oh my god...WOW...wait...aww it's Kevin :(...wow..."

Even my sister laughed at me.

My Night

2005-06-25T00:31:00.000-05:00

I could complain so much, and to some degree I will...but I promise to feel good about myself for the vast majority of this post.

I am very proud of myself. I have to admit. I think I did Juliet some justice...I really do. I was happy with Wednesday's performance. I wasn't me; I was Juliet. I didn't believe in myself til opening night. People believed in me and complimented me...sure...but...self-satisfaction is a whole new level. Wednesday I felt good about myself, and the show as a whole. Today...not so much. (A Mr. phrase, I know) I guess I'm just upset because I know how good I can be, and since I didn't get that high... I don't know I'm just disappointed. Oh well, I did it once I can do it again.

My room smells like a flower shop. I love it. Flowers make everyone happy...hey that gives me an idea for someone tomorrow. :)

OH! A big thank you to all who came. You all upped my mood about 200%.

I'm 95% satisfied with today...yesterday...whatever...

The Sun Is Beating Me Senseless

2005-06-20T19:28:00.000-05:00

I'm driving myself insane.

2 days.

2 days til opening night, and I feel like it's just begun.

I want to show the passion. I want to show the lust/love the little part of me that is now called Juliet. I want to show that Juliet is in so deep with Romeo. I want this to be good. No, not just good...the best. I want these to be the best shows ever. I want people to genuinely be proud of me. I want to, for once, be completely satisfied with one or both of my performances. I want the Barnes' to come and say 'Damn, she has talent'. Most of all, I want to be real. I want people to know that this isn't mechanical, that whatever I'm putting out there is coming from inside...I want to show the emotion...I want to feel it, not just act it.

Am I wanting too much? No. This is what I'm thriving for, and that's why I'm pushing myself so hard this play. This is mine. I want this to be mine.

Wednesday and Friday I'm going to let everything out; nothing will be held back. Then, I hope, I can finally be proud of myself.

2005-06-19T15:59:00.000-05:00

I'm so sweaty...it's gross. Me + hot outside=bad. I did some parading today...and walked my Amber. Of course, today is Father's Day...so I figure I'd share a memory about my father. I know...I'm such a good daughter. *rolls eyes*

As a 2nd and 3rd grader, I didn't have many friends. I had half a head of hair from alopecia areata, glasses, and came from Boulder Hill two years ago. I was good academically, but I sucked it up socially. Anyway, every night before CC and I went to bed we would hop up on the master-bedroom bed. We wanted to play Super Girl...and wouldn't leave until we got our wish. One by one, my fater would take us girls up over his head and 'fly' us to our rooms--dropping us on our respective beds. What got me through a lot of long days of school was that 1 minute ride to my bed every night.

Not one spectacular memory, I know, but to me it's the small, more personal things, that mean the most. I may hate my father a good 90-95% of the time now...but today's Father's Day...and no...you will never hear me speak this nice again...so savor it.

I'll Be Yours If You'll Be Mine

2005-06-18T23:33:00.000-05:00

Well...I have a little story to share considering what day today is. I like telling these stories, so if you don't want to read it I'll understand.... :(

***

One year ago, my family (actually my mother) decided that we were going to go see the fireworks. I didn't feel like staying with my family, and although I was dating Colin at the time, I IMed El to ask him if he wanted to join me. I honestly can't remember why I didn't ask Colin...I don't even think that the thought crossed my mind. He told me to stay where I was when I got to the High School and he would come and find me.

Anyway, we left at a quarter til nine, and parked in the South parking lot at the High School (aka- the flagpole side). My father and mother wanted to get dinner, and CC and I couldn't stay in the bed of the truck alone. I was so upset. We walk into the Prairiefest bit of the soccer fields--where all the food is. They get their food, and we walk back to the car. I'm almost running back, because I felt so horrible. We get back to the car, and CC and I sit on the bed of the truck. We wait 10 minutes...El doesn't show up. The fireworks start...he's still not there. As the 2nd firework burst I started to cry. I had no idea why at the time, but I was so upset because he said he would find me, but he didn't.

Tears poured down my cheeks as the fireworks lit up the sky. Suddenly, there was a tap on my arm. Thinking it was my father, I turned angrily, but realizing who it was...my tears of sorrow turned into tears of joy.

He found me.

He took me to the bleachers by the main soccer field, and we sat talking and staring at the now heavenly beams of colored light that filled the darkened night. He told me that he looked everywhere. He saw my car, and when he didn't see me there, he searched on every field for me. Eventually, he came back to my truck, and I was there. I remember one thing he said, and it meant so much to me that night I never forgot it.

"There are many girls with long, blonde hair, but there is only one with that smile."

The rest of that night was a blur. I remember him wrapping his arms around me to keep me warm, and him helping me down off those horrible bleachers. Supposedly it was cold that night, but I had never felt so warm. Subconsciously, I knew then that I was in love with him...but I didn't realize it totally for another week...but that's another story...

***

Maybe that's why a little part of me doesn't want to dye my hair. Maybe I think he'll love me less. *Sigh* To look back, that night was...magical...to say the least. It was the perfect Prince Charming night--at least in my eyes. *Smiles and stares off into space*

If you want to know, we went to see the fireworks again tonight. It made me smile, and the whole ride home I couldn't help but thinking this quote over and over again...

"The best kind of love is not shown

through two people looking eachother in the eyes,

but two people both looking out in the same direction."

A Moment Like This

2005-06-15T19:16:00.000-05:00

So...

-I've officially been kissed by TWO, count them, TWO members of the opposite sex...niether of which are my boyfriend. That hasn't happened in over a year. It was a stage kiss of course, which doesn't really mean much...and besides, I like how my boy kisses me anyway ;)

-I need to learn my lines so much better. At the end of rehersal, I was given a compliment imbedded some criticism. I understood the criticism, and I take full responsibility for not having my lines as good as they should be. Ah, but that compliment--it made my day. So thanks for that.

-I just watched Romeo *my guinea pig* yawn. And no, I didn't change his name after I got the part of Juliet. It's been Romeo for a good year now...so hah.

-I really really REALLY want to perform at Prairie Fest. Oh god I want to so bad...I know Kevin's thoughts about it too. But...maybe...my luck is wearing out, and I won't be able to. I'm gonna do the balconey scene til the cows come home tonight to be prepared for the decision tomorrow. Now if the choice has to be made, I'll let Mallory do it...because I'm nice like that...I think.

-I can't wait for Prairie Fest fireworks. What time are they at?

BIG NOTE: NEXT WEEK IS PERFORMANCE WEEK!!! MY NIGHTS ARE JUNE 22ND AND 24TH...AKA NEXT WEDNESDAY AND FRIDAY. COME SEE ME OR DIE...I'VE LEARNED HOW TO STAB PROPERLY AND I'M NOT AFRAID TO GET ANGRY!!!

Cat

2005-06-12T12:03:00.000-05:00

I'm not in the mood to talk about today...I hope everyone is okay with that. I actually want to give a little ditty about what happened when I was on the phone with the boy about an hour ago...

So I hear this constant meowing. El hears it too, and he's on the phone. Out of what seems like nowhere, this white cat walks onto the path where I've set down and started to burn my candles. Mind you, I thought cats slept in the middle of the night. Obviously all they do is take cat naps...tee-hee that was a funny joke. So this cat sits around meowing while I'm trying to explain myself to the boy. *Note: I hit a mood and freaked out...things happened...I needed to fix the problems, or at least talk them out* Anyway, it's kinda freaking me out because I've been scratched and bitten by so many stray cats before...and it gets so close to me that I'm afraid to move. All the while I keep talking to the boy, things get fixed and go back to normal. Right after this happens, I kinda stand up to move around, and the cat runs away...back into the night...almost disappearing again.

So I'm a dork and had to figure out what this meant. So I go to this dream interp. site...I know it wasn't a dream, but still...and here's what it said....

--To see a white cat in your dream, denotes that you are going through difficult times.--To dream that you chase the cat away, signifies that you will overcome your obstacles.--

Once again, it wasn't a dream, but the symbolism fits. I found it interesting, and those of you who know exactly what I'm talking about will too.

Michael

2005-06-07T12:25:00.000-05:00

So I was listening to Bob on my sister's working stereo system, and I started to get these flashbacks. I always get flashbacks, but these were about Michael; god only knows why. So I started thinking about how many fights the two of us had been in, and seriously...all I could come up with was two of them.

A year after I moved into this neighborhood Michael and I got into our first huge fight. I had just gotten out of Mrs. Jamison's 1st grade class, and Michael was just out of Mrs. Gerry's kindergarten. We were out playing in the back of his house (there was no pool out there then) when either he or I saw a birdnest. We both ran to it, and he grabbed a long stick to poke it down. Being the nature freak I was, I told him to stop because there may be eggs or something in the nest. He didn't listen, so we faught over the poking stick til he hit the nest really hard. The nest broke in half, and fell to the ground. We both were pissed, and I was crying. I did't talk to him for a whole day after that. I know...stupid, right?

Two summers ago...I think...We got into another huge fight. To make a very long story short. Kenny and Bo went out to eat some pizza at a pizza place. Michael, Nick, and I were all making fun of the two of them, saying that they were on their first date. How cute. Well I made the mistake of telling Michael what '69' meant that day. He made jokes about that to them, and Kenny started to get upset. Turns out she told the parents, and I felt really bad although I only had to do with it indirectly. I say I have nothing to do with it, and Michael gets in huge trouble. He eventually rats me out for teaching him these 'new terms', and the phone is tied that night between my dad and his dad discussing stuff. Turns out he gets grounded for a good month or so, while I escape punishment all together. He and I don't talk for a good week and a half, but eventually I do something nice and everything is forgotten.

I love how things end like that. He and I can give each other crap til we're blue in the face...but we always end up playing some kind of video game at the end of the day.

Too Early

2005-06-06T08:58:00.000-05:00

My only love sprung from my only hate,

Too early seen unknown, and known too late,

Prodigious birth of love it is to me,

That I must love a loathed enemy.

Limelight's doing well. I've decided that I'm going to try tape recording my lines and reciting them from there. Hopefully it'll work out, and I'll have all of them memorized before too long. If not, it's back to forcing CC to read Romeo over and over and over again.

You know I really want to listen to my Beatles right now, but I gave all my music to Jared...and I'm way too lazy to burn a whole new CD. *Sigh*

Stress

2005-06-01T15:32:00.000-05:00

The stress has finally gotten to me.

If only I could wait it out two more days. Then I could feel proud. I failed of course. The acting part of me died and all emotions let loose. I wanted to cry, scream, laugh, and stab someone all at once...I'm sure it doesn't help that I'm PMSing, but still. I'm calm about every test but fucking math. Basically, whatever grade I get on that math test decides whether or not I actually stay in the class. That's what's bringing me down the most. That and the ones that over-study, and complain about how they memorized and wrote out all this shit that they didn't need to. Really they're gonna end up disappointing themselves in the end. And because my mind is in overstress mode, I'm not only thinking about classes and school. My mind enjoys pulling my heartstrings and thinking of all the horrible things that could happen with me and my other relationships as well. Maybe it's the past coming to haunt me for a bit...or maybe it's the fact that I know what happened last summer. I wasn't hurt...but it could happen. I'm not being distrustful...I'm just overworked, underpaid, and a woman. Get used to it.

I think I may go talk to Kim.

My Juliet!

2005-05-29T15:50:00.000-05:00

I'm so bad at updating. I guess it's just that a lot of things have been going on lately and I'm way too stressed about finals and such to give a hoot in hell about telling you all about my life. Well, that's gonna change...

Monday-School. Romeo and Juliet try-outs.

Tuesday-Stress. Stress. More stress. Speeches due Thursday and casting/more try-outs til 7. All I wanted to know is what my part was, and to move on from there. So I read Shakespeareish and attempt to act my ass off for a few hours. And...*drum roll inserted here* I GOT JULIET!!! Who is my Romeo you ask. Well, it is none other than the one and only Kevin....I might ruin the play and just hook up with the Apothecary. ;)

Wednesday-Webber's B-day, and a day of being happy for getting a lead. Ester likes my outline too, but I still have to make that godforsaken Visual Aid. Practice til 6 because of...of...oh yah...Bednarcik play. Elliot decides to act, for reasons unknown to mankind...or maybe he just wants to be 'un de nos'.

Thursday-Yay! Didn't do speech today. Decided on maybe doing it Friday. Limelight til 6:30 because everyone was at Wicked. Slackers. *Laughs* That or I'm making up for my mono. The kind Diana drives me home.

Friday-Decided not to do my speech/I didn't get signed up for that day. Tait and I were happy as hell. I got a C on a math test. That's pretty damn good...but that's without the pink sheet, which I failed cuz she wouldn't teach me how to do the darned thing. Brought Michael to Limelight and got taught how to fake hit him. Doesn't matter, cuz I hit him regardless. Go to that boy's house til about 10 and watch Arch explode. That made me giggle. Fell asleep a bit after midnight...I think.

Yesterday- Nothing significant. Stared at lines for a bit, and read the rest of Night. Silly boy should've stayed at Buna the two days. He would've been liberated. Fell asleep at about 11, El called at 12:30ish...Ionno I was half awake I don't remember. I don't remember what I said either, I just remember smiling. I also had a dream about getting ready for prom, but never actually putting on the dress and making it there. I instead ran the track at some Highschool. Yah...I know...I'm a loser.

Now for today. I wake up to CC flailing a pancake in front of my face. I know, she's the best sister ever. I go downstairs in jammie pants and a hoodie to eat my four pancakes with syrup. MMMMmmmm. CC wants to go to Waa-Kee-Shaw park. I asked El to go but he was doing something. We were about to leave when my grandparents rolled in. I finished my Ham&Mustard with some Mayo sandwich and my Mountain Dew as they left to go to my cousins up the street. CC and I ride off to the park, camera and phone hitting my leg the whole way. Not that I'm complaining; it was a 5 minute ride. I take many pictures, CC finds a deer, we climb a huge tree, and go in a deserted barn. *See buzznet for pictures* We get back and play on the swings for a bit, and manage to beat the spits of rain home. I have no clue what I'm doing tonight...but that's okay. I had fun with CC today.

I hear shooting...great...silly deer hunters...you touch my pregnant deer and you die!!!

1 Cosa

2005-05-23T21:58:00.000-05:00

I only have one thing to say. Huh...lemme try that in spanish. Tengo sola una cosa decir. I think that's right. Anyway, I really only have one meaningful quote that I heard in Oral Comm. today, amongst the abusive boyfriends and sad girls that I spied on. I mean...*shifty eyes*

*Ahem*

"I see evolution more as 'look there's an amoeba, OH now it's a frog'!"

I love that girl.

Frantic

2005-05-21T23:50:00.000-05:00

*Types quickly with bulging eyes; freaking out.*

Whatever it is I didn't do it. I don't have all the answers and I never will. Stay away! AHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHH

Okay...I feel better.

No I'm not insane...just really really slap-happy.

In Authority...Or Not

2005-05-20T21:42:00.000-05:00

Babysitting. It's the only thing I do to get money...which isn't proving very helpful lately. Today the 5 year old boy dressed up like a girl, the middle child attempted to bitch at me, and the oldest was obsessed with getting her audition down. She has it memorized, and thinks it's not good enough. My own sister relies on comedy, which is her strong point. I rely on.....nothing. Sure, I have some talent, but do I have enough to...yah. Only time will tell.

I want it to be tomorrow but I'm dreading tomorrow. I'm in such a non-self-motivating state of mind right now...bleh. Half of me wants Juliet and the other half doesn't. That anti-lead half is worried that I'll get like...a tumor or something and miss out on a chance to perform in a big role, and let everyone down again. The good half, which will eventually take over, says that I'm good enough if I apply myself, which I do with anything I like. Then again, every girl that's trying out wants the lead. That's obvious. It's Shakespeare's most known play, and to play Juliet is a dream of the good majority of girls. *Laughs* Kim1 thinks it would be cool if Brian said, "Hey you two are great. 2 nights one of you can be the nurse and the other Juliet, and the other two nights you can switch." Of course I replied to that with, "Yah that's right we could just do the whole show." That girl makes me laugh so hard. Oh well, whatever will be will be, and only time will tell.

Besides, I could always be Stage Manager or something. (HAHAHAHAHA....no....more like costume god)

Link

2005-05-17T19:07:00.000-05:00

Here's my story...with PICTURES

http://artpad.art.com/?igns6c17ixn8

*giggle giggle*

I'm such a dork.

Every Little Girl's Dream

2005-05-16T19:11:00.000-05:00

Life Goal #52- Play dress-up in a/the costume closet.

As a little girl I would always sneak into the closets of my parents, sister, and just about anyone else who had clothes in a closet--it didn't matter if I knew them or not. I loved playing dress-up. I loved the dresses and the suits and the bridal gowns; I loved it all.

I assumed set destruction would be boring as hell, and it was. Cleaning up the dressing rooms was stupid. Why the hell can't actors clean up after themselves? I swear, I threw away at least 7 pair(s) of socks (funny how that's interchangable). I was bored, so someone, I forget who, asked me and Perky to help upstairs with costumes. I realized where we were going, and I regretted the fact that I ever was bored in the first place when I realized that the Mrs. helps run the place. I thought I was going to be stuck in hell for an hour or so.

It all turned out quite different than anticipated. I've been in the costume closet before, but I always am amazed at how little the Limelight closet is compared to this one. LTC has one small rack with (somewhat) neatly assorted, random, clothing. This room has at least 8 huge, double-decker, overflowing racks of any kind and color of clothing you could imagine...not to mention the 3 dozen boxes of ties, vests, and such...and the hat table. I was in little girl heaven. The Mrs. put me to work instantly, having me hang up clothes and such with the point of a finger. I had no idea where the hell I was going, so I followed and she showed me.

We were putting some dresses away, and she and I walked down the same aisle. I said something about how I loved that she can pick up a dress and tell exactly what time period it came from, and for 5 minutes we stood in that row as she showed me all the different time periods--the ugly 70's, the 40's, and old little kid's clothes...stuff like that. I loved it all. She and Mrs. H could tell me where something went or to look for something and I could find almost instantly. It's like one big game of Memory...just with my favorite things--clothes.

So I guess my relationship with The Mrs. is more mutual now. If you like what she likes, it all works out. I'm starting to like her more...and you can point and laugh at me all you want, but I have a big heart; I can take a lot.

PS- So I decided that this summer and next year, I'll play with the costumes at LTC and OHS...plus some acting in there. I finally feel in authority & at home with something...I kinda like it.
PPS- I need some ideas for my persuasion speech. I want to do something meaningful, but I'm drawing a blank...ayudame por favor!!!

Moonlight Mile

2005-05-15T18:46:00.000-05:00

"There are 4 things I do everything before I go to bed. I slip off my robe, slide in between the sheets, turn on my left side, and stick out my ass."

I was watching Moonlight Mile, and the mother says this to her (almost) son-in-law about how she manages to stay with her husband even though it seems like all they do is fight. She goes on to say that no matter how cold the bed is or no matter how much she and her husband faught that day, he always lies down beside her and puts his arms around her and makes all her worries vanish...without even asking. It's funny, because I do the exact same thing before I go to bed. There isn't any guy that sleeps next to me...well...duh...but one day there will be. It was something that I paused the TV for and thought about for a little bit. Of course, I always think about just failing at love and being left alone on my left side with my ass sticking out in a cold bed. It's something I don't want to ever happen.

I'm too tired to talk anymore...time for some music.

Oh The Places I Went

2005-05-15T00:34:00.000-05:00

My makeup is smeared and my hair is a knotted mess. I'm in jammie pants and a beater, and the only thing keeping me up is the insane amount (not much, but it does a lot to me) of caffiene I had after I let El leave to slurp his slurpee. I looked in the mirror and really didn't care; I'm gonna sleep soon anyway.

I thought about writing a whole review of the show, but decided against it. It was good. It was better than good...and I loved it. I just wish I was on stage...but this summer...god I can't wait. I've been away for too long. Damned mono, still don't know where I got that from. So next year will be full of plays...I promised myself that. *Sighs* I'd better get to bed...I have the Who's song stuck in my head at the moment.

PS-Told Peach about my 'special' dream, so I'm never gonna write about it...ever.

Seussical

2005-05-13T23:14:00.000-05:00

This has been the longest and one of the most stressful weeks in my life. *Hums Beatles tune* Seussical has just drained me...and really I should be sleeping right now...but I'm not. I feel like writing, because I had gotten the best present ever today.

So this really pretty girl comes up to me as I'm greeting pre-show. My first thought was, Wow...that's insane...she's really pretty...*self pity party here*. Then I thought, hey she looks familiar...she's coming towards me...hmmm...So she says hey and I say hi back. I knew that I knew her...and I guess I thought it was her, but I wasn't 100% sure. She says it's Jaylyn from Little Women. Of course I'm the slow one and finally realize; everything clicked at once. Anyway, there were a lot of hugs and a lot of talking. I only wish I could talk to her more. I missed her and I didn't even notice til I saw her again. It sounds bad but it's true. There are so many things that I should say...that I wanted to say. Maybe I'll ask Doty about it tomorrow.

It just made my day. I had to share it. Now it's off to my golden slumbers...oh remind me to talk about my scary horror-movie dream about Peach tomorrow...hah that was funny.

Sunrise Doesn't Last All Mornin'

2005-05-10T16:57:00.000-05:00

Ahhh I'm so happy!!! I thought today was going to be a bad day...and it wasn't. Isn't that great?

So this morning I thought I wouldn't see El til after school cuz he had to light up the stage and be a hat...so I went for a walk. After a minute or two, I got bored so I went to go by the band rooms. A voice calls my name. Thinking it was someone else, I turned around, and really it was none other than Mr. X. Not only was I totally surprised (I didn't expect Mr. X to approach me), I wasn't exactly in the mood to confront him...yet. Actually half of me wanted to ask him about some of the things he wrote to me...those things being things I thought were quite faulty, I just hadn't gotten the courage yet. I could've left right then, but I knew it would be better if I wait for him...so I did. We spoke sharply and sarcastically to each other...not necessarily bitchy, but with that very love/hate and "this is the way it's going to be" tone of voice. He left me right before I got to my final destination, and that left me with some hurt and broken feeling. I wanted to cry, to be quite honest.

All first block was me having a conversation with myself. Basically it was 'should I approach Mr. X and speak my mind?' I walked to my locker, and on the way I was stopped by, once again, Mr. X. Kim also popped in to tell me she was hot and to ask for a dollar. He wanted to know if I wanted to talk, and after Kim left I figured that now's as good as any. We talked...and I told him that I realized what I said was...well it was mean, but I don't regret saying it; it's how I felt. I told him that I know he could've just forgotten about it, and how it made me feel better that I could talk to him a bit again.

Gym was full of treading water and laps. During our freetime I sat treading and thinking...and reading the little labels on the pipes on the ceiling. I got off the bus and decided to take another walk, because I had no reason to 'go to my locker'. I was spotted by Mr. X again, and we talked about how he hates flip-flops and I hate socks. I know, I'm a weirdo...but I don't give a damn about what anyone thinks. He said I was insanely honest, so I then asked him why he wrote that I was decietful and a liar. Now the answer he gave [I felt was] somewhat BS-y, but really without that...he wouldn't have much to write. I'll cut some slack. Anyway, the point is things are mutually mutual again, and if my future is a paradise...then...eventually...I will be able to be his friend again. That would make me happy.

I realize I have a thing for befriending troubled boys...why is that?

Same Boat

2005-05-09T22:17:00.000-05:00

I made a friend today. Actually he was my friend before...but now we're more friend-like. Make sense? Anyway, we're kinda both in the same boat...kinda. We both have to learn to let go, but for different reasons. For me it's my desire to know all the answers, even though when asking for them can only cause me trouble. For him, it's the denial of knowing that he can't have what he wants. Both of us have to get over it...and so I told him I'd help him if he'd help me. Oh it'll work...I don't know how, but it will. I told him to go home, sit online, and/or drown his sorrows in a bowl of Cookie Dough ice cream. I LOOOOVEEEE cookie dough ice cream.

Maybe tomorrow will be different...maybe I'll demand answers...

...then again maybe not.

Well since blogger is PMSing...I'll end my rant now.

Little Diddy

2005-05-06T22:47:00.000-05:00

I realize that I have the talent of learning things on my own quickly. Maybe that'll be something that can get me into college. I put that cute picture in. For the record, I'm not naked. I'm wearing a light purple cami that my hair covers. Don't believe me? Fine. Have it your way. I'm not a porn star...get over it.

Today was nothing much, the boy was sick and I felt really bad. I told him to go home; he wouldn't. He seemed better later though. I tried to help a kid with his speech today, but he didn't want to listen to me and he ended up failing the class. Stupid boy children. I tried to do my good deed, but he's dumb. Turns out he should be a Junior, but he's a sophomore...I don't know how anyone could be that dumb.

Had a little blowout with the family yesterday over my grades. A, A, A+, C+. Geometry is hard, what can I say? Hopefully I got a nice grade on that test today, so that should bring my grade up to a B-. I can handle that.

I realize that I have a love and passion for sunsets and clouds and the sky. I don't know, I guess that the longing and wanting to be free makes me love it. It's beautiful; there's pictures on my buzznet of them. Take a looksee.

I saw someone I once knew today. I looked at him and he looked back. I tried to smile but couldn't, and his pleased expression saddened once he met my gaze. He turned away and I walked by him slowly, wishing to speak a thousand thoughts to him but neglecting to say any at all. Instead I just walked by...down the narrowed street and through the small yet plentiful crowds. I stopped for a second and thought of how I could turn around and this would all be over...and the picture would be perfect again. Gathering my courage I turned around...but you had just turned the corner. You were gone. I may see you again, but I may not have the time to tell you that I wish nothing more than friendship, and although I did the most hateful things...I would wish nothing more but for you to forgive me.

I love that I can write. I think that was decent...anyone care to input?

Where is my place?

2005-05-04T17:15:00.000-05:00

Now Global Studies has always been a great class to discuss/debate things in. In fact, despite the fact that the class gets out of control sometimes, I love it. I really do. I've always liked history, so it's easy for me to pay attention. In the back of our room there's a poster that says (in a big circle with a dash thru it), "Racism. Not in our town." It was the first thing I noticed when I walked in on the first day, and it's become our class motto, thanks to Cam and John.

I've been trying to tame Squiggly lately, but to no avail. He really is a stubborn ass, and things that he believes...they appaul me. This once again became quite clear during a little discussion we had today.

We all had groups of different...political philosophers...I guess. My group had Plato, who isn't a bad guy. I don't agree with him 100%, but I see where he's coming from. Good thing he's dead or he'd try to convert me. Anyway, Squiggly was grouped with 2 girls and this Josh kid, and after Ms. Shay was done giving out the different philosophers, Squiggly asks...

Wait...then who do we have?
You have Mary ***** (I can't remember her name)
Okay...*reads sheet* wait I don't want to be stuck with her.
Well you can have Elizabeth I if you want.
Okay we'll take her. I just don't want to be stuck with Mary ****** (still not remembering name)
*Says jokingly* Why don't you want her? Is it because she's a big women's rights activist and she believed that women and men should be equal?
...Well I just think that women shouldn't have as much power as men, and that women shouldn't be equal to them.

I think every girl in the room gave him a dirty look. Ms. Shay didn't expect that at all. Afterward, Ms. Shay gave Zach a piece of paper and markers and let him draw a sign that said, "Sexism. Not in our town." The class laughed and Squiggly lost another battle.

I know Squiggly is Evangelican. It's obviously some protestant religion, but it seems as if it can be applied to any protestant religion (i.e. Evangelican Presbyterian or Evangelican Lutheran). Now being the smart girl that I am, I decided to look up some facts. I couldn't find anything about their beliefs on feminism or stuff like that...but at least I'm not totally clueless now. I was just wondering if it was Squiggly's personal opinion that women should sit at home and pop out babies, or if it was from his religion. If anyone would like to give me more info on that...please do. I may email my uncle and ask him...he's a priest, he should know.

I'M NOT PREGNANT!

(*Note* There really isn't/wasn't a reason for me to be pregnant in the first place. Mother Nature forgot about me for a second, that's all.)

# 51

2005-05-03T21:21:00.000-05:00

LIFE GOAL ADDITION

# 51- To dance in the moonlight (summer moonlight, not winter moonlight)